#SUPERWHITEGIRLPROBLEMS

It has been a while. The move about killed me. Seriously, most stressful event EVER. I'm just not built for change. Its been a good one though. The neighborhood is great and people are very friendly. It is a little like 'pleasantville'. We are seconds from a golf course Michael plays at. We are seconds from the girls new school and we have friends already. The universe works is amazing ways b/c if you knew the way I met this mom, you wouldn't believe it. We love having a pool. Its really nothing that fancy but its on the big side and i can sit on the covered patio and watch the girls swim. I've had conflicted feelings regarding the upgrade, then i had to trade in my suv, so it looked crazy b/c Michael got a car too. And not that it is anyones business but $$ wise, the house is only $100 more than the last place a month and the 2 cars equal my one SUV i had. I downgraded b/c I'm not such a diva that I had to have a SUV. I miss it. I could have kept that Pilot til the tires fell off but it was a lease. in the end, it was just easier to trade in, so he got a civic and i got an accord. I really don't need much, something that is reputable and going to get us around town. I enjoyed the new car smell for all of 1 minute. With kids, the messes and smells just penetrate from their pores. If in a couple of years I feel like the car situation is too small for us, I'll re-eval at that time. actually, these purchases, the house/cars, probably the best ones we've ever made. Everyone is doing great. Anderson is so big and SMART. He knows things I didn't think he did. Ha! That mommas day out school rules. He loved school. They are out for summer. His teacher seemed to have a soft spot, a bit of favoritism for Anderson. I thought she was that way w/ all the kids but started pickin up on it, that she adored him. She even agreed to watch him this summer if I needed and that she wasn't offering it to many others. Ashlee had prek K grad and I missed it b/c I got a terrible stomach bug. I cried for a week about that. Michael and Brookelyn took her and Michael recorded it for me.I can't ever get that day back. I couldn't walk straight and was pukin and thought i was dyin. i slept for 2 days and felt crummy for 4. a lot of people i know had it at the same time. i'd love to know though why i get so easily this year and why it lingers. i'm not UNhealthy!! i'm active, i drink water, i love healthy food. i hate fast food and when i do have to eat it, i eat small. i barely drink alcohol. so unsure what to think and maybe its just been an unlucky year. although i am feelin old. i wake up and sit up and 45 bones cracks, bones i didn't know i had, and it sounds like an old rickety bed, the kind you sit on in someones guest room and think 'am i fat or is this bed old as hell?' creeeeeeeaaaaaaakkkkk gotta explain the title of the blog. my gf Becca cracks me up with her #titles she gives me. And only she will know what this means GOT 99 PROBS AND A JEW ISN'T ONE. no but seriously, i have really dumb problems...........for example the self tanner i use- one of my favorites that has lasted 2 summers by Lorac got on my leather seats in the car. Great idea candice, get leather. Even better idea Candice, put self tanner on your thighs, wear shorts and go sweat in the 90 plus degree heat in the car. more than once i have wondered if the seat warmers are on. BTW, what a waste of a feature!! SEAT WARMERS!!! dO YOU know what i'd give for a seat COOLERS!!? The closest thing I had to such a think was in my toyota celica, there was a crotch vent. A vent that seriously was down low and shot the AC air right at my crotch and on those hot summer days, it was great. I also have my 2 best girlfriends close to me. However, I wish it wasn't because they are going through hard times. Right now, they have 'real' problems and I wish I could wave a wand and fix it all for them. Its not my place to write about their lives. I love them and couldn't ask for more loving girls. I'm so thankful. Well thats all I got, it is after 12 on a Sunday and I'm still in PJs on the back porch, but I suppose that is what Sundays are for.....................dot dot dot

Pics GALORE

March/April Pics

What It's Like

A mother, first, always-- best person to be. It requires nothing but a ton of love. Ok ok, and enough $$ for food and Gap. Or is it Gap and food? Sigh.

A daughter- some how even when a parent is gone, you never stop being one, or like myself, I'm given people who call me daughter (please don't reference the Pearl Jam song, eek but I walked right in to it).

I had another birthday, which brings me now 6 years closer to the age my mother was when she passed. Funny how at 34 you can still curl up in fetal position and cry for mommy. She was ill, hurt, and headed no where wonderful, but she was mine and I was eternally devoted to her. I still am. She hurt me, so much it doesn't take much to feel it all over again, but she loved me, and that part, I feel all of the time. I know how sorry she was, for being who she was, suffering, ill, and making bad decisions. They weren't all bad. Kristyn and I are here, thriving, loving, hoping, faith filled- just two motherless women who are mothers too. We aren't sucking the world dry and I'd like to think we enhance the scenery a bit.

Last night, at work, I spoke with a young mom of 3 for a half hour, we aren't a chat line but in isolated cases we are allowed to stay on for counseling and its guaranteed we are going to offer our resource and others in the community. She had lost a child when the child was young. I held back tears. I've watched my sister and two friends go through such a horrific event. I went ahead and crossed a few lines and told her about my sister, hoping she didn't hear the quiver in my voice.
Then I thought about the nasty debate going on - on my facebook- about women's services funding possibly being cut in Texas. Here I was talking to one woman. She wasn't a piece of trash drain on society. I don't want to discuss too much but MOST of our clients are productive, or are trying to be with all their might. NO ONE wants to be poor and take advantage of the system. It is no way to live. My heart broke b/c I know what it is like to be poor, but I'm not now. I know my children are living a much different life than I did. And- I wasn't always poor. Many of you have seen my childhood home in posh part of Ft. W. The decline started after, or was it before when despite having money and beautiful things, there was pain, addiction, sickness, abuse. It all blurs together.

I wonder what my cousin meant when he told me to be careful, that he and his sister have some sort of perspective on my upbringing.

I have to admit, it is probably the most bizarre thing that has been said to me in a long time. I mean one time, a week post having baby Brookelyn I had a black guy in a gas station say, "mmm can I go home witch u" That was pretty bizarre too. I had no make up on and was hunched over in pain still, but stay out of a momma's way in pursuit of a dr. pepper. :)

My friends and family know I'm an open book. I'm so humbled by my experiences. I didn't stumble here by accident. All that I have in health, happiness and 'wealth' is because I crawled out of a dark place, pursuing something greater, and little brighter.

Being hungry, cold and staring out windows in crappy houses, looking for my mother night after night and then skipping school because I couldn't get up in time, b/c I was exhausted, depleted, cried non - stop-- all of the food stamps to buy the tamales in a can, eating them straight from the can, walking across busy, scary roads in the yuck part of Ft. W- the city buses- the saving baby sitting money and using it on groceries- the calling my grandmother and others and swallowing pride, asking for help, b/c I didn't to be born in to that life. Maybe that is the part my cousins are disgusted about, b/c my grandmother is poor thanks to using all of her resources on my mother and us girls. I'm so eternally grateful and my mother's sisters for all of their generosity and infinite love. I will always mimic this love in my life, they taught it well.

I'd like to apologize if my mother using social services was a drain on the tax payers. She contributed too. She wasn't always a drain. But of course she never made the kind of money her sisters, or the kind of money said cousin makes.

I hate to see how much gets taken from Michael's check. Just when we make it to the top, I see such a huge chunk go and I want it for me me me-- but suppose he ever loses his job or dies and I am left to support 3 kids on an income in mental health. Suppose I have to obtain medicaid or food stamps? I. Hope. Not. It is no way to live. I'd rather be taxed on the money we make, keep my girls in competitive cheerleading, send my little ones to mommys day out just because I can, get my children happy meals or myself Mongolian food any time I want than LIVE IN POVERTY. You don't buy shrimp w/ your food stamps! You buy canned goods. You don't put your kids in dance, you tell the kids to be glad they aren't hungry for the day. And you certainly don't go out to eat as a family, you wait for someone to take pity and take you out. NO WAY TO LIVE. So if you are a conservative, pissed off that the poor are a drain on your wallet, just be happy to be where you are- living a good life, nice house, nice car, enough money to go around, far far from the all bills paid apartments. I'm livin it too, but moreso I'm rich with love. When I was ending the call with the young woman last night. She thanked me over and over. We aren't the same but we are. We are both moms and we feel pain the same way. I may not be poor, but that is irrelevant when at the root of humanity you are supposed to find acceptance and hope and love. I know people find that with me.

I may never know what the cousin meant. Everyone knows my mother brought me home from a hospital in 1978 to a cozy trailer in E. Fort Worth, and a bunch of crap happened between then and now. I've never been white trash. Perhaps that is why I cried so hard when I read the comment. That is the impression I took from the comment. I spent a lifetime so envious of all of my cousins on both sides of my family. I knew i was living a life that was less than, in comparison. So even if anyone thought we were white trash, I know I was too pretty to be that, and now I'm much too successful, educated, proud, established, and beautiful which is soul deep, not skin.

Does Anyone Blog Anymore?!

So much to cover. I'm going to lose fans if I don't blog more. (giggle) First of all. The only reason I'm blogging on a Tues. morning instead of going in to my job for a few hours is b/c I've lost my voice. I sound very sick but I don't feel that bad at all. I'm congested and my throat is a little raw but overall I'm ok. I'm frustrated and annoyed. I can't make calls, I can't run errands. I mean I have no voice. It kind of crackles in and out, but I'm still inaudible, the crackling only makes me sound like a CB radio, even more annoying.

I attached a bunch of photos. Hope my Granny enjoys them. The one of me, all blurry and emo will land me on her prayer list. "Dear lord, please guide Candice to a pair of sunglasses that fits"

The pic of the 3 kids is my fav. I took them to Sea Life in Grapevine on Friday afternoon. I wasn't sure if I'd do it. I had spent the day cleaning, but it had been a while since we did something out of ordinary and fun. I picked Brookelyn up from school and headed to Grapevine Mills. As we pulled up to the mall (yes the aquarium is in a mall), Miss B said, "it would be cool if we we were going to that place" and pointed to Sea Life. I casually said, "we are!". The girls both squealed, "WE ARE?!" and I said 'yep, it is a good way to start our weekend huh!" I had hoped it wouldn't be busy and it wasn't. We got to take our time, let them all explore. Its very toddler friendly too. Watching Anderson try to keep up with his sisters and try to climb on stuff was so sweet. Gradually he is more a little boy and less a baby :(-- but I have to say, its fun to see the 3 of them play together like that. Of course Brookelyn taking baby's hand, lifting him up to see stuff. Then, theres a play area at the end and they all 3 enjoyed that too. I bought our photo they took of the 4 of us at the beginning. yah, a total tourist, 20 min away from home. haha. I had asked Michael if he wanted to meet us but I knew he was exhausted. Years ago it might bother me when he says no, but now I just ask and if he can he will and if he can't, I deal. By Friday he is usually beat. I've never seen someone so dedicated to their work, almost to a fault. Most of the time I am okay with it. I know that his hard work is to thank for all that we have, even my ability to on a whim take the kids to aquarium, buy em dinner, souvenirs, etc.. We are all so blessed.
Yes I said souvenirs- 20 min from home, we don't want to forget our vacation. LOL. Actually I am just a sucker. Brookelyn got a book about oceans. Ash got a key chain stuffed seahorse. I told them it had to be something we saw. We didn't see spongebob so get away from the stuffed Patricks. We didn't see penguins (not sure why they sell stuff that isn't in the place?!!?". We did see seahorses and they were actually pretty amazing.
I was tellin my sis Kristyn yesterday that "as you can see these kids have the ability to drive me crazy, but I still prefer to be with them as much as possible. I don't like sending them away. I don't like to leave them for work (and I barely ever work)." I don't crave date nights or girls nights out. I'm just weird I guess, but its my normal, they are my kids and I make no apologies for loving them to a fault. I don't smother them. The girls are very independent and have a lot of freedom at home. I don't overly micro-manage them. I just enjoy being a mom and their presence brings me a peace I can't fully explain to others and do not fully understand myself. No one brings me the same peace, quite in that capacity. Michael does in certain aspects, like when I've been pregnant or ill, him being next to me can calm me. My sis always has too, b/c I know that even though we are soooooo different, she loves and accepts me, unconditionally.

Oh before I forget, some Ashlee-isms.......
She asked me how I lost my sound. "Did you lose your sound because you are sick, or because you just lost your sound?" LOL, I love the way her brain works- I told her probably a little bit of both.
Then when I was trying to get on to her this morning without my sound, she said, "I didn't even hear anything you said!!" and stormed off.
She called our friend and neighbor fat. Good LORD!!! Luckily Pam knows how to respond. I love pam for loving Ashlee and all my kids.
Ashlee told me last night looks like I still had a baby in my belly. In my defense I was super bloated from downing a ton of water (trying to drink a bunch w/ this cold) plus the cold meds make me thirsty. I'm not making excuses, I'm fully aware I'm flawed. I told Ashlee "No I don't!! You are going to lose friends if you don't stop telling people what you think!"
She constantly asks me, "Why does that baby have to be so cute!!"
She has taken care of our kitty Jasmine who got spayed and declawed last wed. She has spent up to an hour in the bathroom. She has gone to great lengths to make Jasmine's accommodations comfy. "Momma I need more blankets! Momma I need a cup for water!" If Jasmine starts meowing, we all ignore her but Ashlee can't take it, she goes in there and talks to her. She loves animals. She certainly can be sweeter to animals than us at times. Stinker.

Brookelyn is doing great too. Shes so good to me. She rarely pitches a fit, and when she does, I just wanna scream "Ashlee throws enough fits for both of you, not you too!!!". I don't because, at the end of the day, she needs to be able to have a few fits or else she will resent me. However, on those days, with a cranky baby and 2 sassy mouthed girls, I just want to put them to bed in the middle of the day and go up to my room and watch tv. I don't though. I wait til 7pm at least. I make Michael talk to them, even though he probably hates being bombarded w/ complaints from me the second he walks in. Luckily, most days aren't that rough. I worry about the summer b/c even though I love our lazy summers- I know they get bored. I don't really care though, and they know it. Go read. Go clean your room. Go watch icarly. Go out back. Go draw. Go play a game.
I can do this all day.
One thing I don't ever want to be is a busy taxi drivin mom. I'm as busy as I want to be and I know it will only get busier as they get older, but I just don't see the quality of life in that much driving to that many activities. We like to be in our pjs, eatin cookies, watchin American Idol, under a blanket.

As you can see, I posted a pic of Whitney. The album cover of the record I had. My mom had given me a record player and the following records- that Whitney one, MJ- thriller, Madonna like a virgin, and Cindy Lauper. I have been a fan of Whitney's all this time. I got that record when I was 6, maybe 7. When my parents divorced when I was 10, I'd listen to "Where do broken hearts go" over and over. I'd cry.
Her death is hitting close to home b/c she died so similar to my own mom. I think people misunderstand that drugs only have to be a bit involved to be involved, and its the rx drugs. Its not an OD. Its just enough, mixed with even the smalled amount of alcohol can be lethal. Whitney passed out and drowned in bath. My mom in her sleep, drowning basically on own vomit. My mom was brought back, kind of, but it was too late. Whitney couldn't be, it was too late. I'm not saying it was exactly the same. I know everyone is waiting to hear about the toxicology report for Whitney- but I am guessing it won't be anything substantial, nothing to make anyone go "OMG!!"
I think the body can only handle so much. My mother wasn't abusing anything 'hard', she had been clean for a couple years. Whitney was supposedly clean from the hard stuff too. Doesn't matter. The body gets tired.
I keep thinking how shocked Bobbi Kristina must be b/c her mom was basically fine. I know that shock.
I hope her daughter makes it out of this. There are only 2 paths to choose from. And when you are that close to a mother and you feel like you've lost the person that you can tell anything to, that you love so much, worry so much about, it is hard to imagine living a life without them. If I could talk to her, I wouldn't tell her about her mom being at peace and no longer in pain. I would just tell her, I know, it sucks and the pain is unbearable- but ultimately you lay down and die to, or you get up and put one foot in front of the other until it becomes natural again. In time, you realize you are healing, and that there is plenty of life to live and the pain then dims out a bit. During the acceptance phase which can take years, you realize you want to make that person proud although they aren't here to see and cheer you on. It is all so tragic. I watched Whitneys funeral. Then I watched the replaying of the Oprah interview from a year or so ago. I had watched it back then but I watched every second again. I teared up when she talked about her daughter. I had been cheering her on, her recovery, her comeback. It seems very wrong that she is gone.

In March Michael and I are going to our fav restaurant Benihannas, that his parents gave us a giftcard to. His parents are going to watch all 3 kids, overnight. My sweet cousin got us a hotel. So compliments of our fams we will have an overdue date night. They are far and few between and like I said I don't overly crave them. I told Kristyn I'm excited but only b/c I know we need it. I'm never excited to be away from the kids but I know I'm at a good place to do so. Anderson goes to mommys day out and hes just older now, so loosening up my grip on him is becoming easier. He is so sweet and has brought so many people, not just me, not just the girls and daddy, but so many people so much joy. I wish yall could see him and Layla play. He pets her, hugs her, loves on her so much. He also steals toys out of her hand, but hes 1. lol. one day she will learn to steal back. She is so laid back and docile, sooo sweet, easy goin, always smiling, giggling.

It has been a long, boring blog. I don't need a voice to clean my house so not sure why I think I need to be lazy on the couch b/c I don't have a voice. I am on a bunch of cold meds which kinda makes me feel icky. Maybe I shouldn't beat myself up for lounging on the couch while all 3 are at school. I won't last long here, my kitchen and the laundry are callin me to get busy.

Oh one more funny thing. No one is going to think this is as funny as I do. But I asked Michael to put something in recycle bin and he said sure and then asked when we got 2 bins. I said UM NEVER!! He had stolen our neighbors. I started laughing so hard. He can crack me up still after all these years by doing or saying very little. I told him to take it back to Lance's (our neighbor) yard. He said he would later. I said NOOOOOO NOW!! I was still laughing so hard and I said, "I'm calling Lance now so hes not worried!!" Michael told me he didn't have shoes on- and the grass was wet, so he chunked the bin as close to Lances house as he could get. Meanwhile, Lance answers and I say 'hey its candice your neighbor and Michael stole your recycle bin' He said he figured thats what happened, that one of us took out bin and one of us brought in. That is exactly what happened. I told him 'not sure where the bin is b/c its dark and Michael just chunked it in the direction of your house' ROFL.
It doesn't take much to entertain me. I was so worried that our neighbor was frantically worried about his bin. He told me he knew it would show back up eventually.

Going to try and not wait so long for next blog. March is going to be insanely busy. We have mine and Michael's bdays (not really a big deal, but to our kids it is lol), 2 cheer comps, spring break and bday party for nephew Logan. Something every week or weekend I believe. :)))

lil stars

I love this picture. Sweet Ashlee Morgan outside Fort Worth Convention Center after a cheer competition.

Yesterday she said 'look at this picture of God I colored, his smile looks all creepy'
OK, she meant Jesus and the 'smile' was just a poorly drawn mustache.

Recently got over Strep throat, so if you are keepin up, that is 2 awful stomach viruses and strep within a 1.5 month span. All three times I thought Jesus was callin me home. Seriously, I thought I was dying. I couldn't even say which is worse- the barfin or that awful sore throat and general crappy feeling head to toe. Then the antibiotics made me feel sick. I had a hard time eating and finishing the nearly 2000 mg a day rx. I've been weak and tired, but I am happy to report that this week has been one of my best. I've been super freaked out that I'm going to catch another something. It scares me to be in crowds or near anyone sick. Each time I was sick Michael had to stay home with me a day or two. He had to take the children to their places, pack lunches, make dinner, etc..It was torture on me....not knowing what my kids were lookin like going to school or what was in their lunch boxes. I laid in bed cryin, wondering how I could go so long w/o being sick and then be bombarded. bump that.
I had a dream about my mother, one of the many vivid, crappy type dreams, where you want to wake up, but can't. Every time I dream about her, she is a hot mess. She breaks my heart, every. single. time. I call her, wondering if she will answer, when she does, she sounds messed up. I always knew when she had been drinking in real life. So of course in my dream, I'm expert too. I used to joke I could tell if she had only taken communion, I was that good. So she always lives in these screwed up places with screwed up people in my dreams. She seems only a little sorry that she is half the mother she should be. It breaks my heart all over again. As if I need to re-live any of that. She wasn't a bad mother, but she couldn't be a good one when neck deep in her illnesses and addictions, so yah, at times, it was very, very bad. I used to wonder why she was still alive, but then when she died I was confused and shocked. She had been doing well, I thought, but I guess someone like her isn't ever really doing well and is never really destined for much greatness, which is sad. So I hate to say it but I knew the time was coming where so many years would have passed that it sort of feels like she never existed. How do you spend 19 years with a person and then come to the conclusion that they were never here, never real and any memory I have of them is so fuzzy, it isn't worth hanging on to, or talking about, or laughing about.Why mention it? Why bother my kids with a memory that only hurts when I think about it. I'm so broken from all of it. My life with her and her death. I guess this is why the kids are my life. They fill me up. They may never know just how bright their little stars shine in my life.

Merry Christmas y prospero ano

This is likely the last blog of 2011. It has been a bizarre couple of weeks. My girls got strep. Ashlee got a stomach bug before strep. I got a stomach bug right as they were healing and then yesterday took Anderson to dr and he has double ear infection. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Needless to say, I'm unprepared and kind of in a fog.
We did get to see Tori in concert the other night with our good friends Jeff and Stacey. It was nice to get out of the house. The girls had fun at their friends house (my friends Andrea and Nate) and we picked baby up afterwards that night.
I wish I had more to say but I'm sort of just beaten down lately. I just want to hang out with my kids and have fun, b/c the past TWO weeks have not been fun. Last night I laid on Andersons bedroom floor crying, sobbing. I had just spent 1.5 hours at dr office where he fussed and tugged on his right ear the whole time. When I was crying he put his head on my back and his arms around me. It was the sweetest thing ever. I love that boy!!
Right now I'm at work, a 4 hour shift. I split it with another coworker for a different coworker, my friend who had been scheduled a lot of days in a row during the holidays. It is kind of nice really. I'm out of the house, its quiet and I get to re-group.
Looking forward to fresh start to our old routine. Heres to health and happiness in 2012!!!!