I love this picture. Sweet Ashlee Morgan outside Fort Worth Convention Center after a cheer competition.
Yesterday she said 'look at this picture of God I colored, his smile looks all creepy'
OK, she meant Jesus and the 'smile' was just a poorly drawn mustache.
Recently got over Strep throat, so if you are keepin up, that is 2 awful stomach viruses and strep within a 1.5 month span. All three times I thought Jesus was callin me home. Seriously, I thought I was dying. I couldn't even say which is worse- the barfin or that awful sore throat and general crappy feeling head to toe. Then the antibiotics made me feel sick. I had a hard time eating and finishing the nearly 2000 mg a day rx. I've been weak and tired, but I am happy to report that this week has been one of my best. I've been super freaked out that I'm going to catch another something. It scares me to be in crowds or near anyone sick. Each time I was sick Michael had to stay home with me a day or two. He had to take the children to their places, pack lunches, make dinner, etc..It was torture on me....not knowing what my kids were lookin like going to school or what was in their lunch boxes. I laid in bed cryin, wondering how I could go so long w/o being sick and then be bombarded. bump that.
I had a dream about my mother, one of the many vivid, crappy type dreams, where you want to wake up, but can't. Every time I dream about her, she is a hot mess. She breaks my heart, every. single. time. I call her, wondering if she will answer, when she does, she sounds messed up. I always knew when she had been drinking in real life. So of course in my dream, I'm expert too. I used to joke I could tell if she had only taken communion, I was that good. So she always lives in these screwed up places with screwed up people in my dreams. She seems only a little sorry that she is half the mother she should be. It breaks my heart all over again. As if I need to re-live any of that. She wasn't a bad mother, but she couldn't be a good one when neck deep in her illnesses and addictions, so yah, at times, it was very, very bad. I used to wonder why she was still alive, but then when she died I was confused and shocked. She had been doing well, I thought, but I guess someone like her isn't ever really doing well and is never really destined for much greatness, which is sad. So I hate to say it but I knew the time was coming where so many years would have passed that it sort of feels like she never existed. How do you spend 19 years with a person and then come to the conclusion that they were never here, never real and any memory I have of them is so fuzzy, it isn't worth hanging on to, or talking about, or laughing about.Why mention it? Why bother my kids with a memory that only hurts when I think about it. I'm so broken from all of it. My life with her and her death. I guess this is why the kids are my life. They fill me up. They may never know just how bright their little stars shine in my life.
