inseam

The problem with diggin for one thing, maybe an old pic of a dog you once had or verifying the childrens stockings are still in trunk and not shoved in a mysterious Christmas tote collecting mold,is that it leads to finding hidden treasures, or bones from dead lives as I like to call said treasures. Letters to my mom in rehab in 1993, a baby check up for me from 1978,verifying my mom took good care of me once upon a time, while still married to my sperm donor. How does a grown girl digest said info? As far as Im concerned I'm just a stay at home mom who does laundry, packs lunches, and waits for my favorite shows to come on. I'm boring, and ok with it. But when I find the evidence of a life that was once far from boring,not in an exciting way, more in a way, that even though I lived it, I have a hard time believing/remembering any of it happened to me. A friend recently reminded me I am not over my moms death.Shes right and how dare I try to say I am. Then reading those heart wrenching letters I wrote to her at the age of 14 or 15, they sound so sad, yet grown. She made me momma long before I ever wanted the duties. She has been dead for so long now I can barely comprehend I ever had her to begin with. The evidence is in trunk at the foot of the bed and in certain photos,never far. Yet when I see the photos of her, I often feel nothing, nada,as If I'm glaring at a ghost who was never alive. Other times my heart almost stops with grief wondering why??? Why was SHE born?Why was her life so hard. She wasnt abused,her sisters and their kids---allllll as freakin normal as they come. So why did SHE have hell to pay and bring my sis and I into her corrupt world to watch the trainwreck unravel before our baby,innocent eyes. Of course all I ever did was put my hands over my sisters ears and eyes to protect her.She has no memory of police coming to our houses. My mom breaking glasses,pots on porches and our dad holding her down and ME watching through my blinds crying until I couldn't anymore.My drunk mom screeching she couldn't breathe and that she didnt wanna die. I can only assume my dad was protecting himself not trying to kill her.Afterall, as far as I could ever tell he was the normal one. I remember being Brookelyn and Ashlees ages and hearing the door open at 2319 Harrison and I'd go running as fast as I could yelling yaaaaay daddy is home daddy is home.He would pick me up,he would hug and kiss me, help me with homework, go to teacher conferences, help out at the school carnivals, even building a go fish booth for lily b clayton. He was NORMALCY. yet I never dared asked 'whats wrong with mom'.No one spoke a word. There was a time I remember him taking Kristyn and I or maybe just me up to JPS to see Mom on the psyche unit. it was sad and scary and I knew other children were not spending their Sundays this same way. I stared at her like a foreign shell of a human,much the same way I stared at her lifeless almost dead body in 1997 when after 3 days hospital concluded she was brain dead.How could I stare at someone I loved so much, more than anyone on earth as if I wasn't sure what I was looking at. At her funeral, I stared at the urn the same way. Like wow,that shoebox of ashes was a human a few days ago and a human that grew 2 babies inside her body,and well did her best, despite her shameful efforts. I bounced so much between love and hate for her in her life that in her death I wasnt sure which to gowith. I ended up loving her in her death bc I decided she was out of pain andthat any mothering she did,bad or good was the only foundation I had to go on, and what I did with myself was no longer her fault if I turned out crappy. So I made it my mission to move on towards success. I wanted my degree, a professional job, a family of my own, moreso babies. I have spent a decade of mothering, trying to undo what was done to me. It brings me great joy that the children will never come home to a drunk mom,an empty fridge,and residue of cocaine on the coffee table. Nope not here. I will take boredom and laundry over any of my past. I'm not saying I'm not a little bit screwed up from it all. You just won't hear me admit it very often.I'm not perfect, I have issues that I feel are beyond my control,anxiety, insomnia and an overall feeling that although the outside is all stitched up, often the inseam is unraveling. I think on some days wow,house is cleaned, everyone got fed and bathed and I somehow feel like superwoman. Other days I think I cant do this,its too hard, being in charge of 3 tiny lives, sometimes just the idea of getting more milk is overwhelming. but Im working on goals bc for the past year I havent had any. After my hysterectomy I just decided that living day to day was enough of a goal even though it made no sense, I had been put out my misery. So with all that, I'm working on the inseam. 99

jesus loves me

How Hileah Dr Changed My Life

Well I attempted to blog last night but my space bar broke off. Yep broke off b/c its my life and thats what happens in it, random catastrophes. Now - blog- hopin a kid doesn't wake up cryin or a cat starts barfing or washing machine start shaking uncontrollably, ready for take off. For anyone wondering what is Hialeah, it is the street my parents (aunt and uncle who adopted me) lived for 28 years. I moved in when I was 15, the summer before 10th grade. I had already been through 2 years of HELL,spanning across 3 states at different times b/c my mom would ship me to relatives in Idaho and Ohio. I spent 3 months in Idaho in 8th grade with my sister by my side. Then the big "event". My sister was sent back to Texas, to spend a week with our mom and then had to go live with dad bc there was a terribly custody battle going on (as a direct result of being sent to Idaho while still in school in Fort Worth)Sad yes, True, even moreso. I warned my mom that if she yanked us out of school that i had already been told dad was taking her to court. No ONE listened. But why would they, I was 13. I wanted to come back with Kristyn so bad. I had never ever been separated from her. Furthermore, I had never been away from my mom and there i was damn near in Canada, as far as a person could from Texas and mommy. A few weeks later, after a lot of aggravation on my part, fighting, crying, yelling,begging for my aunt and uncle in Idaho to send me home - it happened. And also keep in mind I was the saddest, angriest 13 year ever. I would look in the mirror and wonder what happened to my life, my smile- all gone. All that was forming were fragmented pieces of a girl I once was. My childhood wasn't perfect, but I could remember happier times. I cried myself to sleep and before being sent back to Mom, I was constantly looking for railroad tracks, figuring certainly I could run away and end up back in Texas.And I knew I was capable of it, and that if I died trying to get back to Texas,it would have been worth it. So I get back in time to start 9th grade h.s. My mom and i lived around the block from Kristyn and Dad. It killed me when she'd get to visit b/c she was my baby and belonged home with me and Mom. Mom took it worse. She went from being a TCU nursing student to drug addict- street stuff- its too sickening to go in to detail. Never in my now 14 years of living had I seen her THIS big of a mess. On Christmas Eve, Kristyn spent the night and I couldn't sleep b/c Mom wasn't home. Finally at 5am I called my Grandma Ruth and said please come over,mom is gone and there will be no Santa for kristyn. Grandma delivered and at 630am mom got home, a disgusting mess.I couldn't look at her,, I was so angry. As an adult I understand addiction is an illness BUT as a mother I don't understand disappointing children. I was scared b/c I knew she was doing nothing good out there. 5 days later I was on a plane to my moms other sister's in OHIO. Good Lord is all I thought sitting on that stupid plane. I thought I'm SO sure GOD!! I felt all my prayers were sent directly to Satan to be answered. I assumed that if there was a good God, he had no time for trainwreck lives like ours. I thought, really? my sister is gone, and now once again I'm being taken from mom. So here I was again,away from my mom and dad and sister, mind you we were a dysfunctional family, but it was my family to love and no one elses to judge. I remember crying in the shower, in bed, in the morning, anytime I was alone, crying. I started my 2nd semester of 9th grade at Elgin H.s In Marion, Ohio. I ran track,in the snow,hated it. I wasn't interested in friendships but made one good friend,who I still keep up with. I'd go to church with my aunt and just like in Idaho, I was forced to be in youth group. I wasn't happy there. The kids had perfect little lives and I didn't dare tell them all the screwed up things I had been through. They discussed shaving their legs and which turtle neck to wear,whereas I had already unfortunately been in compromising situations with boys- nothing I'm proud of. So imagine how much it killed me to not fit in even a little bit. So I just kept on hating church. Finally, I had had enough. I didn't care what my mom was going through, I didn't want to go back to her, but I wanted to go back to Texas to be close to my family,or die trying or kill myself, just to end the shitty pain. I was so sick of crying. I was homesick. I missed my sister, and of course my mom and dad. I got my dads family involved and begged for help. It wasnt a threat, after several months I was ready to run away or lay down on train tracks.I kept thinking how unfair that would be to Kristyn,to have a dead sister, but when you are THAT sad and no one is listening, you simply stop caring about the prospects of a life worth living. I didn't see myself ever becoming anything wonderful. So in May, after the last day of 9th grade I got to board a plan back to DFW. My aunt karen, uncle allen, cousins amy and jess were standing there with signs welcoming me home. I knew instantly I had a shot at being happy,perhaps truly happy for the first time ever. I was willing to let my mom go. However, she called me to let me know she was leaving for Arkansas for long term treatment. I said good luck and I love you. My new room was in the house on Hialeah Drive in Arlington,TX. Suburbia. (I was from Fort Worth inner city so this was like pleasantville for me) I quickly got involved youth group and church and met girls that weren't strange, just regular teenagers who welcomed me and never once did I feel I didn't belong. It was really so much fun. As my life improved, I started to believe a little more in a higher power b/c I was finally in a home- dysfunction free. I started 10th grade, got involved in Journalism/wrote for School paper,won awards,went to banquets and journalism seminars, went on family vacations, rode bikes, rollerbladed, and STOPPED CRYING and started living the life of a normal teenager. my aunt and uncle were so patient with me,never holding it against me how broken I was.All they wanted was for me to feel at home, and be happy. I got to see my sis on reg basis and when my mom came back we'd visit her together. Mom got and stayed well- fr drugs, but the mental illness never went away. She made it to my high school prom and graduation. She died a year later due to nothing at her own fault except I think her body was tired of fighting with Bipolar and so out of no where, with no real clear reason, she passed away when I was 19.I could go on and on, but this post was how Hialeah Dr changed my life. My parents are all moved out and it is a little sad for me. I loved everything the home represented for me. Everything I loved about it, is probably things people take for granted everyday. Meals, laughter, warm in the winters,cool in the summers, games at the kitchen table,slumber parties,first dates, first jobs, first time to cook,and loving arms wrapped around a broken body and spirit which took years to repair. But it did repair and I went on to succeed even further,gaining a degree in rehab counseling-something no one can take from me. And yes,had it not been for the foundation on Hialeah,there is no telling where I would be, IF I would be here at all- mothering these 3 awesome kids of mine. I'm blessed and I do give the glory to God. He put me in that home.

Hialeah and Candice

Love him

Sweet Anderson after the drive

like a boss

So I get home from driving Anderson around, to calm him, sleepy him, etc. After over an hour he was out, but of course we stopped and got ho hos or ding dongs, whatever it was and he had chocolate all over his face. He is at a fun age. By fun I mean I wonder if I qualify for being legally insane some days. He is a sweet boy and SMART, talks in full sentences at age 2. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, its a biggie, he is going thru terrible 2s. This is way different than the girls. Brookelyn didn't have it. Ashlee did, but it was different, I can't describe it. Boys I think just like to be busier. Well, when I'm done being entertainer, or mean mom or want to pee alone, he goes to his room. All 3 kids have their own rooms here. The only weird thing is that Anderson's room is technically a formal dining, but it is a completely room all it's own. It doesn't open up to anything, it just has a little wider entrance into the room than just a regular door. So, I have a gate up and a cloth shower curtain. Yes, a shower curtain, b/c that is how I roll. (for now) It keeps him in his room, the gate, and his room is the safest place in the house so I don't worry and still use a monitor. blah blah blah, my 2 year old is 2. He will be 4 September 3, 2015. I can't wait! So after I get home, my dumb, idiot cat "Lucky" escapes out the front door. It is dark outside and shes just running away. She does this all the time. Sometimes we don't know shes done it and by morning is meowing on the front porch. My problem with this is that she is not an outdoor cat, raccoons and possums are everywhere, as are feral cats. I don't want her catching some nasty disease and giving it to the other kitties. So being the crazy a%^ I am, I break a branch of my tree trying to entice Lucky back home. I end up all over the road, under cars, gravel stuck to my hair, then in my next door neighbor's bushes. As I leaped to grab her, I fell in to their nicely manicured bushes, and nearly got stuck upside down...........and I didn't catch Lucky. Then I notice there is a big open hole where I fell into their shrubs, nice one Candice. These people pay good money to keep their yard super nice. Not to mention at any point they could have looked through their blinds and saw someone,me, but not knowing it was me, I had a hoodie on and I had a giant branch in my hand. What is wrong w/ me?! Luckily I am friends with my neighbors, but still I didn't want to scare them. The ones across the street say they get quite the giggle out of me chasing that cat everyday. Oh yes, hahahahah, laugh it up. "Look Candice is outside in her hoochie shorts and no bra chasing that cat half way down the road". So, I gave up, came in to shower the mud and gravel off of me, I knew the brat would be back. After the shower, I grabbed a can of cat food and opened it on porch and voila, Lucky appeared. I wanted to beat her. I didn't. I fed all of the cats instead. So you wanna know whats the latest? Well, after the move, trading in our cars, changing schools- 2 weeks in mind you, I had a hysterectomy, partial which means they left ovaries. Yay! This means my body still has all its hormones. The dr took my uterus and cervix and did some scar tissue cleaning up from the 3 c-secs I had. I've never been put under. I can honestly say it was the scariest day of my life. I was beyond scared. I was terrified. I cried constantly, w/o triggers. I shut people out of my life weeks before the surgery. I wouldn't answer phone or check emails. I just endured my final weeks of female pain and found comfort on my couch in front of the tv. I remember Michael wiping my tears in pre-op and kissing my forehead as they wheeled me off and me not thinking of him at all, if that makes sense but in hindsight I suppose it was very sweet. My sister told me that when he went to the waiting room, Anderson held up his hands and said "wheres mommy". That broke my heart. He was with us but Kristyn came to meet us there and take him and get the girls after school and take them back to Granbury with her. She is a warrior of a sister. I do not want surgery ever again. My aunt Cindy from Idaho and Grandmother from Ohio flew in for two weeks to take care of me. I would sob in the shower. I felt so helpless. Well let me back up. I spent 2 nights in the hosp and the first day it took 7 hours to get the agonizing pain under control. I finally got a pain pump and and was flooded with care. I had the best of the best nurses. OK, it is late.....to be continued

momma needs a beach

Not sure why, but blogging has lost it's appeal, or maybe, I've lost time. I need 34 hour days most days. Here is what has gone down. Girls started a new school since we moved. It is a great school, but a hard change, for me, not them, because I hate change, hate it. Brookelyn started 3rd grade and Ashlee is in Kindergarten. At the end of the 1st six weeks, Miss A.M was awarded at a special breakfast for the core value 'responsibility'. Brookelyn at her old school got to do this too. It is a very sweet honor, and I'm so proud of my girls. Honestly, I can't help but wonder if Ashlee simply lives in fear of pissing her teacher off. I really had luke warm feelings in the beginning. I wanted a teacher that was going to tell me how precious my child is and hug on her. However, I've heard that this teacher's classes are always the most well behaved. So, you do the math. And this momma bear had to grow up a little bit. We have celebrated 3 bdays- Anderson turned two on sept 3, Brookelyn 9 on Oct 4, Ashlee yesterday, nov 6, turned 6. I had a hysterectomy, got to keep the ovaries, phew. I had been in pain for so long I wasn't sure I'd know how to live w/o it. Most people in my inner circle knew about this private hell, but otherwise I kept my mouth shut b/c I'm not a woe is me person. Oh, please feel sorry for me, I'm living on the couch in uterine pain, contemplating driving to the ER- my life for so long. So I went to my gyno who delivered my babies and cried on the table begging her to take the uterus out. She had been telling me for a couple of years she thought I had adenmyosis - which I'm sure I spelled wrong. Basically it isn't endometriosis but a uterus w/ polyps and lets face it, just a piece of crap uterus. She took my cervix for the heck of it I guess. She said she likes to take them b/c then I never have to worry about cervical cancer. Okey dokey, it wasn't serving a purpose so I said sure take it, bronze it, I don't care. I stayed 2 nights in the hosp and then my aunt cindy and grandma ruth came for 10 days to help me here at home. Michael had some recent medical crap too, that I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me blogging about. Just know it was hell. We will know if a full recovery is in process soon. Apparently he can heal wrong and need surgery. If you knew what we'd been through w/ the 2 in office procedures, you'd start your prayin now that he doesn't require surgery. And now here I sit recovering from Bronchitis and a stomach bug, both thanks to Anderson. I'm scared to death to eat b/c I'm feeling better and want to continue to do so. I was so sick yesterday and it was Ashlee's bday that Jessica had to go have lunch w/ Ashlee. I couldn't bare the idea of someone not going. It was the thing she was most excited about- eating at the special round tables and having a happy meal. This also meant I couldn't vote. First time ever I haven't done so. I guess next year I'll do early voting. But to be honest, I wasn't fired up. I checked out of this crappy election junk. People are so hateful and insane and I refuse to become like that. If you think living in America is so scary w/ current president, go live a day in a 3rd world country. You'll come screaming 'ooooobbbbaaaammmmaaa i love you' I kept trying not to care about either party, but something deep inside kept pushing me away from Romney. I like his wife, but him, no so likable. But I understand Republicans who support him. I just want them to understand why it is hard for me to turn a blind eye to my past. I want to be an uppity Republican with my ignorant remarks, but at the end of the day, I'm humble, I've been too poor, and was raised way open minded. I can't hate gay people, its ridiculous. I can't judge others. I have empathy ocean deep. Need I remind you our best man at our wedding is a gay buddhist. Love him to pieces. But the election wasn't about Candice's love for gay people, womens rights to choose, and people of all religions. It was a circus, like always, so I checked out. I also don't feel so bad about not voting b/c Texas did it for me, my vote wasn't going to matter. On top of that, neither candidate has me in mind. I better be poor poor or rich rich to care too much. Regardless - whoever won, would still have respect, no matter which way it went. I would tell my children that he has the hardest job in the world and that whoever is in office I truly believe, does their best for us, and deserves our respect. I'm trying to work a little bit again, mainly to get out of house and have some me time. I like the work I do. I never quitted, but obviously due to medical junk I had to check out for a while. I'll give it a good go and if I can't juggle it, then I'll close the chapter. However, someday, Anderson will be in school and I will want a job I can go to. Its good for extra $$. This time of year I start stressing about Christmas but I'm so excited to decorate a new house for Christmas! We threw away our old tree and I get to get a new fake one. Even Michael is helping me search and convinced me NOT to get a pre-lit b/c we can have it forever and never have to worry about partial or full light issues. I'm considering ordering it now and will I be able to hold off until day after Thanksgiving to not rip into the box and set it up? I'm a freak and this is the stuff us moms think about in our 'down' time. Both girls are in cheer still. Not sure if they are going to stick with it next year. We've been doing it for years. I enjoy it but its about them. Brookelyn cried when she put on her new uniform b/c her entire belly shows. I don't love the belly showing either, but it IS a very cute uniform, just wish she wasn't so self conscious. This uniform alone may be the reason she quits next season. However, she wants to keep her tumbling skills up. So, I don't know what will happen next year. It would be great to see them stick with it for the long haul. Brookelyn amazes me with tumbling and limber,flawless moves. I am not sure what they would do instead of cheer. How crazy am I for acting like it is the only sport? Well I said it, so I'm admitting I'm crazy. I keep finding myself watching this Disney show, or movie, with Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato. What is this movie, it is sucking me in. Now I know I'm still sick. I think it is all taking place at a camp. I could walk 2 feet over to the remote on the ground and click on info. BTW, lovin Britney and Demi Lovato on the X factor and loving the Voice- Blake Shelton cracks me up. I love him!!! I never really cared for Christina A. but shes kinda grownin on me. No one compares to my sweet Britney. I can't stop lovin her! As for American Idol, I'm afraid to watch, b/c I've already heard that Mariah and Niki are having words and I am just not sure I'm ready for this train wreck. I've been a long time fan of Mariah so if I have to take sides, I'll take hers. This might go down in history as the most boring blog ever. Sigh.......the sicknesses and procedures have sucked the life out of this girl. But, I'm still totally smiling AND I almost know all the words to Taylor Swifts we are never ever getting back together. my favorite part is blaring it and singin it to the kids and the top of my lungs in the car. Even Anderson knows the words. We laugh at each other and do it over and over. xoxo

#SuburbanMomProblemsPartTwo

I haven't been up for blogging much. I'm too busy putting out fires, avoiding train wrecks, dodging idiots. When I'm not doing that I try having a life or decorating my house......but mostly entertaining the kids. That part I love. I live for their smiles. I'm very lucky that I have 3 really GREAT kids. Easy to say b/c they are mine but I've been around enough brats to know, my kids are awesome. They respect people. They are kind. If they aren't, they get to deal with my "i'll deal with you when we get home look". Discipline works. I know, shocking. I'm exhausted from all of the noise in my life. I've barely had a moment of peace to enjoy the new place and do what I want to do. I don't have time to shave or brush my hair. That being said. I'm really happy with life. Each kid is at a fun age. Brookelyn is slowly out growing 'little girl' and Ashlee is the cutest little princess ever. Anderson is so smart and funny! He calls his sisters 'Asha' and 'BayBay'- it is the cutest thing ever when hes calling for them. Ok, true story, while writing this blog, I called the AC repair people referred through our home warranty people. Keep in mind I'm in a great deal of physical pain, going on nearly a week now, women you know what I'm talking about here and those who know me, know I've been diagnosed with a female pain disorder having to do w/ fibroids where they do not belong :( . sorry for the side TMI note. I'm in pain and having to deal with a broken AC in the upstairs system. I was told by Shenaquuia it would be early morning today. I finally at 1pm decide to call the dispatch and he said 'i'm not sure why you were told early morning b/c the home warranty company doesn't set our appts' and I SAY, "Well, she was hard to follow and understand. She sounded like she was straight out of Harlem,and her ebonics was so thick and she sounded like she was on drugs" Who says things like this to strangers? I do. When I've had enough. I have no filter. That being said, all of the above was true. There are two languages I do not speak and that is DOUBLE NEGATIVE PURE WHITE TRASH AND EBONICS. It isn't "He don't like that" Grammar up people. I do however speak Britney and Valley. I really like this new neighborhood. At first I felt like it was too good for me. Like my grandmas should be living here w/ the rest of the senior citizens but now I'm like yes biotches I live here and I have a lawn guy, a pool guy and a beautiful new car my husb bought me. I'm sick of apologizing for his success, for my success. As if the first 14 years of my life wasn't enough pure, rotten hell, as in, I did my time, let me bask now. Also Michael and I do not care about having a lot of anything or going anywhere fancy or vacations. We wanted a spacious home with a pool in a nice community- without mortgage payment going up. We got it. It doesn't bother me that the place needs a bunch of clean up outside or the inside could use a lot of updating. Its a great home with so much space. So don't mind if I do, lounge in pjs all day, or bathing suit. I do still have a job. I even have a couple of shifts on the calendar. I'm so glad that in the midst of the biggest change ever, that the stress didn't cost me my job. I went in recently and it really lifted my spirits to be around my colleagues. It doesn't take many hours to put a handful of $ in my bank account which I call the 'do i need yoga pants/shorts from victoria secret?' account on the days i get paid. actually for the summer, trying to stay away from that evil store (and gap) b/c entertaining the kids can get costly plus its almost time to start school clothes shopping and supplies. I wonder if the girls will let me send them in matching outfits from the gap for the first day of school. It will be Ashlees first day of Kindergarten and we've already talked about me doing her hair in french braid pigtails. I can see her now in like a cute skirt and mary janes with knee highs. Yep these are the things I think about- when not busy thinking of a cure for mental illnesses and politics. LMAO. I know a lot of people going through a lot of change and crap right now. All I can say is nothing is forever. When I lived in hell and wanted to die-- when I felt I had already lived 30 or 40 years by the age of 14-- I remember thinking 'God just take me in my sleep, ease my little sister's pain and give her a good life- or get me the F out of this situation fast before I go lay down on the train tracks one block over' Because that prayer was answered before I had a chance to drop of high school or do something worse, which I don't think I would have done b/c leaving Kristyn was too painful of a thought, but had I have not had her, suicide was a very viable option. When you live with a raging drug addict who has enough mental illness to fill Dallas Stadium- the pain becomes too unbearable- so while suicide sounds insane- it really isn't when your bones become too weak to walk or function and you cry all day and all night, you don't eat, you don't laugh, your mom throws entire vacuums at your head but you know its really the drugs doing the launching..... But the prayer was answered which is why I love Arlington so much. The city that literally saved me! my aunt and uncle to be exact. It was a hard transition but every day, every year the healing took place and they pushed me to do and be my best. The light comes when you put one foot in front of the other. Healing happens. Of course then my mom died when I was 19, when I thought everything was looking up. She saw me graduate high school. She sat next to my dad and I got a glimpse of the life we almost had. It was both painful and beautiful to see that. I had spent 3 years at a great high school in Arlington, I was the first sophomore that had ever been allowed on the high school paper- a little favor b/c uncle was a vp in the district, yah, so what, it got me going. I won an award that year for best column in which I wrote about my mentally ill mother. Healing happens. One year before that I was clenching fists under covers, roaches all over the bed- wishing someone would die, my mom maybe, her boyfriends for sure, me maybe if just for a moment to escape the terror of my existence. Then there I am making new friends, getting recognized for my writing at a banquet. Even when you don't believe in the healing process, it takes place when you surrender, and leaves you no choice but to believe in the process. Its all kind of awesome. So you, can get through anything, have some faith. And this is why I take nothing in my life too seriously. What the baby smears crap all over his bed, again, sigh, guess I'm gettin my hands dirty. What, the husb does nothing handy for me around here, the girls are fighting, hitting, the baby colored all over daddy's bedside table. Oh boo hoo. Alert me when you find Anderson with a crack pipe in his crib.