A mother, first, always-- best person to be. It requires nothing but a ton of love. Ok ok, and enough $$ for food and Gap. Or is it Gap and food? Sigh.
A daughter- some how even when a parent is gone, you never stop being one, or like myself, I'm given people who call me daughter (please don't reference the Pearl Jam song, eek but I walked right in to it).
I had another birthday, which brings me now 6 years closer to the age my mother was when she passed. Funny how at 34 you can still curl up in fetal position and cry for mommy. She was ill, hurt, and headed no where wonderful, but she was mine and I was eternally devoted to her. I still am. She hurt me, so much it doesn't take much to feel it all over again, but she loved me, and that part, I feel all of the time. I know how sorry she was, for being who she was, suffering, ill, and making bad decisions. They weren't all bad. Kristyn and I are here, thriving, loving, hoping, faith filled- just two motherless women who are mothers too. We aren't sucking the world dry and I'd like to think we enhance the scenery a bit.
Last night, at work, I spoke with a young mom of 3 for a half hour, we aren't a chat line but in isolated cases we are allowed to stay on for counseling and its guaranteed we are going to offer our resource and others in the community. She had lost a child when the child was young. I held back tears. I've watched my sister and two friends go through such a horrific event. I went ahead and crossed a few lines and told her about my sister, hoping she didn't hear the quiver in my voice.
Then I thought about the nasty debate going on - on my facebook- about women's services funding possibly being cut in Texas. Here I was talking to one woman. She wasn't a piece of trash drain on society. I don't want to discuss too much but MOST of our clients are productive, or are trying to be with all their might. NO ONE wants to be poor and take advantage of the system. It is no way to live. My heart broke b/c I know what it is like to be poor, but I'm not now. I know my children are living a much different life than I did. And- I wasn't always poor. Many of you have seen my childhood home in posh part of Ft. W. The decline started after, or was it before when despite having money and beautiful things, there was pain, addiction, sickness, abuse. It all blurs together.
I wonder what my cousin meant when he told me to be careful, that he and his sister have some sort of perspective on my upbringing.
I have to admit, it is probably the most bizarre thing that has been said to me in a long time. I mean one time, a week post having baby Brookelyn I had a black guy in a gas station say, "mmm can I go home witch u" That was pretty bizarre too. I had no make up on and was hunched over in pain still, but stay out of a momma's way in pursuit of a dr. pepper. :)
My friends and family know I'm an open book. I'm so humbled by my experiences. I didn't stumble here by accident. All that I have in health, happiness and 'wealth' is because I crawled out of a dark place, pursuing something greater, and little brighter.
Being hungry, cold and staring out windows in crappy houses, looking for my mother night after night and then skipping school because I couldn't get up in time, b/c I was exhausted, depleted, cried non - stop-- all of the food stamps to buy the tamales in a can, eating them straight from the can, walking across busy, scary roads in the yuck part of Ft. W- the city buses- the saving baby sitting money and using it on groceries- the calling my grandmother and others and swallowing pride, asking for help, b/c I didn't to be born in to that life. Maybe that is the part my cousins are disgusted about, b/c my grandmother is poor thanks to using all of her resources on my mother and us girls. I'm so eternally grateful and my mother's sisters for all of their generosity and infinite love. I will always mimic this love in my life, they taught it well.
I'd like to apologize if my mother using social services was a drain on the tax payers. She contributed too. She wasn't always a drain. But of course she never made the kind of money her sisters, or the kind of money said cousin makes.
I hate to see how much gets taken from Michael's check. Just when we make it to the top, I see such a huge chunk go and I want it for me me me-- but suppose he ever loses his job or dies and I am left to support 3 kids on an income in mental health. Suppose I have to obtain medicaid or food stamps? I. Hope. Not. It is no way to live. I'd rather be taxed on the money we make, keep my girls in competitive cheerleading, send my little ones to mommys day out just because I can, get my children happy meals or myself Mongolian food any time I want than LIVE IN POVERTY. You don't buy shrimp w/ your food stamps! You buy canned goods. You don't put your kids in dance, you tell the kids to be glad they aren't hungry for the day. And you certainly don't go out to eat as a family, you wait for someone to take pity and take you out. NO WAY TO LIVE. So if you are a conservative, pissed off that the poor are a drain on your wallet, just be happy to be where you are- living a good life, nice house, nice car, enough money to go around, far far from the all bills paid apartments. I'm livin it too, but moreso I'm rich with love. When I was ending the call with the young woman last night. She thanked me over and over. We aren't the same but we are. We are both moms and we feel pain the same way. I may not be poor, but that is irrelevant when at the root of humanity you are supposed to find acceptance and hope and love. I know people find that with me.
I may never know what the cousin meant. Everyone knows my mother brought me home from a hospital in 1978 to a cozy trailer in E. Fort Worth, and a bunch of crap happened between then and now. I've never been white trash. Perhaps that is why I cried so hard when I read the comment. That is the impression I took from the comment. I spent a lifetime so envious of all of my cousins on both sides of my family. I knew i was living a life that was less than, in comparison. So even if anyone thought we were white trash, I know I was too pretty to be that, and now I'm much too successful, educated, proud, established, and beautiful which is soul deep, not skin.
