The Prayer Keeper - by Candice July 2011
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is it a moons glare
or smoke rising closer, higher
i imagine it is angelic
without being an antagonist
or inside it's ego
i live there
and there is only room for me
the walls are unsure of their shapes
i am unsure of mine
prayers come silently
venom spews angrily
i fixate on the tiny, seeping light
unsure where shes been
before intruding on me
i need not for an encounter
or friend
or angel
or what have you
the ground shifts, can't speak
i rotate
no one listens
except the prayer keeper
i imagine he writes my number
on books of matches
she wants
needs
has
can
cannot
should
did not
wishful
hopeful
faithful
a paradox on feet, toes, ballerina grace inside the smile
but a stumbling beast inside the fall
if it is the moons glare
and not someones stare
am i safe to escape
to seep in to someone elses window
where walls and halls cannot speak
will i be protected inside rejection
though i do not speak the language
of old knobs
and hidden panes
hiding pains
unaware of earth's gravity
of heaven's promises
unable to understand the difference
with the grace of a woman
and the bruised soul of a child
but beautiful is the girl who embraces lightness
twirling
falling

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you know what the stars mean. Finished with that. I don't typically like to share the things I write, but if I don't archive them, I'll lose them. My writings are my babies. If I could cradle them, pat them on the back, rock them, I so would. They come from a place that even I don't fully understand. So just keep in mind, these words are about me and for me.

I was reading some of my Victoria Olsteen book and she was talking about the importance of validating yourself and not waiting for others to validate you. I think that is something I've been working on for several years now. Accepting the person I am and loving me, praising me w/o concern for others interpretation of the person I've become. Lets face it, if we wait for others approval we will be let down. Even our children will manage to hurt us even though they love w/o condition. In moments when I feel like I'm not the best mom, I have to remember I am a great mom. And, as children and mothers go- like all relationships, we will mutually disappoint one another.

What has the Queen of Candyland been up to? Embracing the holidays! Decorating! Drinking hot chocolate and watching movies! Organizing cheer parties for the girls at their gym. Fun! I love being team mom. I'm learning to be organized, and hope to be a good leader for the newbies! I love, love, love being a cheer mom (and hip hop mom now). I've also been working a bunch of extra shifts at my job. I love putting on real clothes and being around work friends. That unit has been a second home since I was prego with Miss B. I love what I do. I have always said anyone, a monkey could do our job BUT, I remember we had a therapist come in and try to do it and was overwhelmed by what we did. At that moment I stopped discounting the job. It isn't just a paycheck. We are helping lives. The very tone of our voice and lift a sad spirit. As I've said before, it is my mom's work I am doing with the agency that helped her for 20 years. It would be easier to be secretary or dental hygenist- less emotional ya know? But I just know that the reward is knowing that my mom looks down and is spellbound by the work I do in mental health. It can be exhausting always in the deep of it. I mean after my 12 hour overnight shift I came home and watched 20/20 from Friday night that I had recorded. Who would have known it was about children in foster care who are giving large amounts of psychiatric drugs. I was flooded with tears. i thought "why am I watching this, I just got off a 12 hour shift, the last thing I should be thinking about is mental health" BUT its what I do. I couldn't take my eyes off the show. I could not believe what I was seeing. Psychiatrists giving cocktails of major psychotrophic drugs to children as young as 3. They were saying the system couldn't afford therapy for these kids but medication was an easy fix, plus you have medicaid paying for it all. Such a mess. They showed many children who had been taken off the meds, meds that truly made them crazy. They followed these kids for a year. Then they showed some who had been adopted. Tears!!!!!!!! Oh how I wish I had a big, big house and room to take in children, and of course the funds to take care of them all. Perhaps someday when my children are out of the house, I will take in the age groups people typically do not want- jr high, high school, etc. I will spend the next 18 years praying about it. There was a time I was afraid I couldn't conceive, 2 miscarriages before the age of 24, you'd think the same thing. I remember telling Michael "I'll just be a foster mom- I'll wait til we are in 30s, work until we are ready and then start the process" I always had a plan A and a plan B in my life. Then baby Brookelyn came and she stuck. She almost didn't. I had internal placenta bleeding and the nurse said 'go home, lay down for a week, come back for another sono, this pregnancy may stick, but it may not' I wasn't hopeful. i knew the miscarriage song and dance. I went home and laid down for 7 days, all the while getting sicker- hoping it was a good sign. I went back and the bleeding had stopped. I thought 'what a miracle!' I was so scard to get excited.
Now, here I am after a total of 3 pregnancy losses and 3 children. I never forget how bad I wanted them. I didn't even know I wanted #3, until he was here. i remember just going thru the motions of pregnancy like ok i'm pregnant, lets do this thing. I had been so on the fence about making the leap to a 3rd child. its another mouth to feed, another body to clothe, and all the rest of it- the activities children are involved in, the schools, and of course COLLEGE. We really, REALLY, hope to be able to just pay out right for the college, even if we are still making payments on OUR college debt. If we keep our lives 'small' it shouldn't be an unattainable goal.
I'm constantly on the fence about the house. Plan A- refi it in 2012 which should greatly decrease the payment. Plan B- fix it up or get the heck out- rent it (bc there is no equity in it to sell) and get something bigger, perhaps a little bit up the road where some of the bigger houses are- near B's school. Remember we don't feed in to her school. we are 3 miles away. There are actually 4 elem. schools in a 3 mile radius from our house. her school is awesome. I was mystery reader the other day! I had to provide clues about myself and the kids have to guess if it could be their parent. I walked in and Brookie jumped up and yelled 'Mommy! Yay!!' She was beyond thrilled and seeing her face light up like that made my whole day so perfect. Kristyn had already planned on visiting us that day so she was at my house to watch Ashlee and Anderson. I read "Moostletoe" to the class. Its my favorite Christmas book. i could read it every night! Then i passed out these adorable suckers- some were christmas penguins, christmas trees, presents, reindeer. You've got to get to Sams Club and get them! for $9 you get 24 of them! The children were so excited to get them. One boy hugged me before I left. She has a great class with 17 children total. I can't wait for Ashlee to start Kindergarten next year up there.
I finally bought a couple of gifts for the girls to put under the tree. They sat there and shook them and guessing. One was that crayola dome thing that you draw on, and can turn off the lights and it projects whatever you draw. I got them each one of those mascarade dolls that comes w/ a mask for yourself to do designs on yourself and your doll. Its like a barbie. I don't completely understand it but I remember them saying they wanted one.
I had something for baby boy, but it wouldn't ring up so I said forget it- I'd come back for it. It was a ball w/ different textures, looked kinda neat.
When i'm not running around tending to school events, Mothers day out stuff, work stuff, cheer/hip hop stuff- I'm home cleaning- constantly. I have to b/c the girls are a mess in their rooms and bathroom. The baby throws his toys everywhere and the kitchen is the pit we all destoy. With 1720 sq feet and 5 people, thats a lot of laundry, picking up, oh and not to mention 3 cats and a guinea pig. Some people have farms, I just have a big family in a smallish house. It is hard for me to slow down and relax. I'm never finished. However, can you believe all laundry is done tonight.??? Michael even noticed! He was like "I've never had so much clean clothes". I was on a mission. We have storage issues- the girls have bins under their beds for their underwear and socks. I have so many wishes for their room. Less and less I feel sorry for them sharing a room. I mean boo hoo, so did I and somehow I survived.
The other day, B comes out dragging Ashlee like a doggy and says "We are playing dog show, and Ashlee is the dog and shes going to win b/c she is the prettiest dog" Ashlee had on necklaces and tiara and they were using a broken beaded, purple necklace as a leash. They had stuffed doggys all lined up and then sure enough Ashlee, the beautiful dog won a medal. I was cracking up!!! Where does this stuff come from? dog show!!! Sure the girls can fight a lot but they play more than fight. They play and play and play- even board games, but mostly pretend games or they draw. Last night they were taping paper all over my walls and doors and drawing on them. Then they made a cat with only one eye and played pin the eye on the cat. Yep, they had an eye they made w/ tape on it. They twirled each other around and try to get it on the right place on the cats face. So yah, we may not have a giant house or all the great electronics, but gotta give them credit for creativity- and the joy is all the same.