This is a pic of me and Layla. Yep, she pretty precious. I can't wait for the day she gets to come stay w/ us and I can spoil her!! Ok, I can wait, gotta enjoy these baby days first.
It has been a hectic start to the summer. I was rear ended on my 1st day of orientation for an on call position I took at my old company. I've had the car in the shop, out now, been to a dr and to a chiropractor and numerous phys therapy or massage therapy- not sure what they call it. I am still sore but I think maybe I might be healing. The car was banged up pretty bad but no frame damage but it is still making a rattling noise and getting it back to the shop is a huge pain. I'll be so glad when this lil nightmare is over. In the midst of all that, I'm training, for 2 units, but I had weeks of agency classes first. Once I'm trained fully, I'll be put on a call list, and be called in when needed. Of course I'm hoping most of their needs for me fall in evening or weekends. However, hungry for money, I know my I can always find a way to work any shift. Don't get in my way when I'm motivated.ha!
So while feeling overwhelmed and sore, I have been a little bit down. I know there are worse things but I'm not used to feeling either of those feelings to this extent. Part of not working means having freedoms and ability to be bad at time management. I can put things off and do it when I feel like it. Now, I have been following a schedule and arranging child care for the kids. Its slowing down now so I'll probably feel less anxiety soon. I'm already on my way, I was lazy today and probably again tomorrow. I don't stay 'down' for long. And I usually can find a million reasons to smile. I do not like to give my joy away, not fair to me or anyone around me, but it does happen.
I just know I'm going to blink and summer will be over. It is already flying, against my will. I intend to have a breather, even if it is in small weekend doses. Michael still hasn't met his new niece but he said now that his side stuff is coming to an end, he can go w/ me to a visit ranch- a fun oasis from suburbia hell- i mean bliss- SUBURBIA BLISS!!
Ya know how I'm always sayin there is no such thing as an actual firepit hell with a devil and pitchfork? Typically I say that b/c there is so much bad on earth, that it seems insane to think there is a place worse than earth. Just the other day I was driving thru crap part of Ft W and saw the homeless sleeping on pallets next to various shelters and non profit agencies. I wanted to throw up. I am the person who says the homeless put themselves in their situations-- but still-- it has GOT to be hell for them. I saw a VERY pregnant woman out there, beggin. HELL ON EARTH- on Lancaster in FtW. But, I think I sort of live w/ the idea in my head that just in case there is some sort of devil trying to break my spirit, steal my joy, I'm going to do the opposite b/c it is mine. However, seems silly if you ask me, it is probably just my little way of trying to remain positive. Stay calm and carry on (its a poster). Yes, I'm one inspiration, kitten poster after another. I read quotes from Dr Dyer and Joel Osteen daily. sometimes biblical childrens songs pop in my head while I'm doing bills. I'm either in full blown denial, going clinically insane or I'm just a really great person who wonders "Did I feed the birds today, where are my clogs, and that favorite 10,000 maniacs cd?" and secretly prays over my food. (secret out now)
Heres my problem w/ current day problems, mine and yours. The yours here is everyones. They are so stupid. I hate that I bring up my past so much but it is relevant when talking about perspective. I can't stand bitchers and moaners. BOOHOO. This goes for me too. Its been a rough few weeks but none of which include bread being smashed by a moron bagger (most of our baggers are challenged, so if i don't want my bread smashed I grab it, but honestly, I don't care, it still makes sandwiches), does not include annoying stores in general, customer service, road rage, etc..if I've had something to gripe about, it better be worth it, and it has. Even in all my UGH moments, it doesn't take much to bring me back to reality. The absolute bottom line is that I'm not a child being hurt and abandoned one way or another left and right. I have the luxury of choosing my life and how to run it, and what or what does not happen in it. Clearly, nothing will ever be as bad as the 1st 14 years I had -- and even so I can think of a million great things from those years. Even w/ all of it's crap, there were so many awesome things about those years. Just the fact I had my mom was enough to classify the years as rich. I am never going to heal from her dying when I was 19. Never. I have turned the pain in to goodness but fully healing isn't even an option. Its been 14 years in Aug. and i can barely remember her. I knew this day would come, when the memory of her would become so faint that I can't remember the sound of her laugh or the way she drank her dr pepper or cut chicken or flipped thru a magazine or answered the phone. Shes been gone so long it is as if she didn't exist. But, she did, b/c Kristyn and I are proof, and there are 4 grandchildren that are proof too.
So I'm going to take some Ibuprofen for my back, try not to be upset about the lady who hit me, I'm going to take a deep breath before getting emotional about all that is on me- I'm going to do all of this b/c in the broad scope of things, it is a cake walk right?
I think SOMEONE has seen 'stuart smalley saves his family' too many times."Whining is anger through a small opening."
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley)
