This pic was taken out at Kristyn and Kelly's, however the bluebonnets were not as plentiful this year in our spot. I hope to find a better spot soon. This was just a quickie, jump outta car like a chinese fire drill, snap a couple of pics. I thought this was cute b/c they look like how they are at home. Sweet. If there is one thing I can say about my children, it is that they are all just genuinely GOOD. Yah, Ashlee might be a hot mess, but in the best way possible. Can you imagine if she wasn't here to rock my world a bit? These 3 babies of mine are a breath of fresh air in unique ways each their own. I could write a 598788 page book just bragging about them. Don't tempt me.
Today I got sad, in a moment of happiness. We took them to see the movie 'rio' and the opening scene the girls just started crazy giggling. It was the cutest thing ever, yes EVER. Then, I thought about the Oprah I watched last night I had recorded about the boy who was 6 years old and severely neglected/ abused. He is 19 now, and telling his story. He was in a closet, wrapped in a wire fence, which was bound by a chain. He was barely fed, had to use the restroom on himself. He was smeared in his own feces by his stepmom. His own father would pee on him or pee in a cup and dump it on him. They'd fill his mouth with dish soap and never rinse it out. It was almost unbearable to watch the show, but, I had to see this survivor. So, today, watching the girls giggle, which is how they are supposed to be, filled me sadness for that boy and other neglected/abused children. I'm sure we all have moments like that from time to time. It is almost like a survivors guilt. What makes my children more special than any other innocent child? Nothing. They all deserve to be taken to movies, parks, get dirty in sandboxes, dance to miley cyrus, cheer, have sleepovers, do cartwheels in the yard, have cookies in bed sometimes, stay up late every now and then...
It seems to be about that time where I have all kinds of appointments, me, the kids, whatever. I'm still old school with my calender/planner I carry with me at all times. I just can't make the switch and type it all in my phone. I also have a calender on my pantry door my MIL gave me and between the 2 calenders I keep things straight. Yes, I actually have to write these things on both calenders. I will forget everything. There is just not enough room in my brain for errands, appts, and keeping Candice cool.
And, forget grocery lists. They just do not work. I might write down a couple things I know I urgently need and do NOT want to risk forgetting however, everything else is just obvious. I make it up as I go. I pretty much look like I'm shopping off of WIC or something- milk, bread, cheese, eggs...only I have to pay for mine.
Just wondering, but could this blog be any more boring? well, my girlfriend told me to have me time and blog my thoughts, and to stop calling myself crazy/manic. I told her everyone else thinks it, so I might as well throw myself under the bus first. We are both mental health majors so our talks get wordy. Maybe its just I see 'some' characteristics in myself that my mom had and it both scares me and makes me laugh. In some ways I get to feel her again, and in other ways I find it alarming. I know I'm too self aware to go off deep end and PLUS, am I really manic? Maybe I'm just energetic. Maybe I get a lot done b/c I have to and no one is going to do it. It isn't BAD that I will choose mowing the lawn over watching tv. I typically like to think my work week is like everyone elses M-F so I cram a lot in to that time. I've never been lazy.
But, some people might call me crazy, getting a duck (who is going to her new pond home soon as planned all along). Is anyone calling me the COOL MOM!!? Well, my kids are. :)
Yah, so then I get a kitten for my girls. Yes, I know more 'work' for me. I do not get help from Michael and I AM OK with that most of the time. I only say 'most' b/c theres a few things I can't do and really need him to step up and help with. I overall think it is perfectly fine him making the money and no matter if I work again or not, he will be the one that makes more money and me keeping the house and kids in check. The reason I don't go insane is b/c he doesn't demand anything fancy for dinner and doesn't complain if the house stays a mess for a while.
I'm probably just sensitive about the whole my mom thing b/c every year I get a year closer to being the age she was at her death, 40. It is just 7 years away. Fellow 33 year olds, can you imagine only having 7 years left of life? I just want to make it to 41, so I can exhale. It isn't like she was in major bad health at her death. It couldn't have been more of a bizarre fluke. It would have been easier to accept if it were self imposed, but after much investigation, it was just ruled an accident. I guess her death is always going to be my dark horse. It's the skeleton. It is why I am both ambitious AND crazy. If you don't think a stay at home mom is ambitious, then you forget what I did to get here. I aggressively pursued my life and here is where I landed. I wanted to be a mom more than anything. If I had wanted to be rich, I would be rich right now. I was/ and still can be very ambitious.
I actually wanted to die when she passed. The only real reason I didn't go total loon, was because I couldn't imagine putting Kristyn and my grandma Ruth through that, not to mention my aunt and uncle who had adopted me. I knew I just couldn't off myself and cause people I love that kind of pain. But overall it was Kristyn and Grandma. I wanted to be strong for my sister and I wanted to make my Grandmother proud, so that mom's death would not be a total loss, lose me too in it. I had the sense to just wake up and keep going......even when all I wanted to do was cry in bed and silently cut. fyi, I didn't cut at all. That is how strong I was.
But, lets face it, some parts of yourself dies when someone you love very, very much dies. that part of me is never to be retrieved again. I can't put my finger on it, but it is something. I guess it is the something that had a mom which I felt like a caregiver for and then the title was stripped of me. The title of daughter and caregiver. I just think the brain spits out what it can when a traumatic event happens. Ya deal or you don't. I guess I'm still dealing. I suppose this is the case, for, forever.
I think about my sweet friend who recently lost her newborn, a 4th son. I know this has changed all the fibers of who she was. I know that she is a different her. It doesn't mean trauma makes someone an uglier version of themselves. I think it can do the contrary. I know her well and I know she isn't going to ever stop hurting, but I also know she will turn her pain to hope, eventually.
There is absolutely nothing you can say to someone in grief. I should be an expert by now- as a degreed mental health 'professional'- AND who lost someone so close too young. But,. death is so permanent, there is little to say. I think the only thing that can be said is 'i love you' or 'i'm just thinking of you'
nothing like time heals, or your loved one is in a better place.
screw all that. I'm sure the loved one is in a better place but in grief, the better place is here.
It is after midnight, I should consider bedtime.......
