I have a problem with time management, it is no secret, so instead of being productive, I run in circles, like a pound puppy chasing it's own tail. OR, like days like today, I literally do nothing at all. I give up for the day. Chunk the phone somewhere I can't hear it, crawl in bed and pray the kids will be quiet.
It is a bit overwhelming to have so much that needs to get done, short term, long term, half a$%, full blown, major, minor, wants, needs, should'ves, could'ves....the list is stupid long.
The problem is I am never 'off the clock'. I can't swing by a store, kid free on my way home from work. My dang job is the kids. It creates a problem. Even when I have help, as I do quite often when I need it from my angel next door, I still feel the sense of urgency to get back fast. I don't want to take advantage of anyone- not friends, not family. These kids, they are my job.
I think I'd give just about anything except a limb for a shift at my old job or one similar to it. It has taken about six months, but I finally feel like old me again. So 9 months plus 6 months, is a lot of damn months of feeling completely out of control of an emotion, or physical health/well being - and sometimes just clinically insane. I have left the hormonal looney bin for good. I am most thankful though for not experiencing post pardum. I know it is real and exists but MOST preggos do not experience the extent of the hell I do while preg. Depression and sickness and inability to eat for 9 mo. is excruciating, but we all do it, often more than once for such a ridiculously wonderful outcome. Anderson is my sweet boy who was a second away of being prevented. Have I told the Anderson birth story from start to finish, I don't think i have. I think I have touched on it and those close to me, know it already.
I digress and here I go.
In November 2009 I came off the pill, a whim of a decision, as most decisions in my life are. (A speedy engagement, wedding planned in one day, this house bought after one look, my car I'd never seen in person before, going for my bachelors after classes already started- I had to apply AFTER attending classes for a week) so making babies is sort of the same way. We tried in Nov. and I knew all the parts of me were working. I'm a clock and I know but duh pregnancies can take months and months, I know this and I was watching people close to me struggle with fertility issues going on years. I was not shocked to get a period, I mean duh duh duh. Then as flaky as I made the decision to come off the pill, I told Michael in Dec. that as soon as that next cycle gets here, I gotta get back on pill. My reason was that I felt like Ashlee was kickin my a$%. I felt like maybe Michael wanted a 3rd baby more than I did and that I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons and the girls were just enough and pretty self sufficient and Ashlee was high maintenance. I thought nothing of the month of Dec.2009. Michael said of course it was fine to get back on pill. I said I'd revisit the idea in a year but ultimately, this had to be my decision. I'm a full time mom, often feeling like a single mom, only der, I have a husband/baby daddy and he works so hard so I can do this job. On Jan. 4th, I picked up the phone to refill my bc pills but the Walgreens phone systems were jacked. Weird right? I hung up and something in me told me maybe to just wait til I saw a true cycle instead of assuming. The next day I was wondering where my cramps were, the ones that come on cue a couple days before the cycle (enough cycle talk for ya?). I went to CVS, got a preg test. I purposely didn't go to Walgreens b/c I knew I'd refill that bc pill and it possibly be for no reason. I got the test, thinking I'd knock this out, and it would be neg, I mean who gets preg in less than 60 days? Not this girl, not ME with all my stupid fertility issues, miscarriages, painful, bizarre cycles, nope not me, HA! It came back positive so fast my heart started racing, not in an excited way, in a way that I thought I might not be able to breathe. I call Michael who had just gotten to work and told him and he said, "yay!" and then he said, "why are you freaking out? you need to calm down" I said I don't know but I might hyperventilate, this is not my timing for this, I control when and when I do not have babies.
Yes, for all you smart arses out there, I know how babies are made and NO, nothing was done to stop it BUT put yourself in my shoes, pregnancy is not something that just comes easily without hardship for me AND I had friends and family struggling to get pregnant for months and some for years. I was neck deep involved with my sister Kristyn's issues and also a very good friends infertility nightmare. My head was definitely not thinking, that for some, maybe even me, pregnancy could happen so fast, so easy, without complication and certainly not at 31. Why would I go through so much hell in my 20s? So, this is why I was shocked and unable to breathe or see straight.
After the room stopped spinning I made appts for immediate blood work. I'm medium risk for a bit b/c of 3 preg. losses, mostly a progesterone issue they say. I got sonos every other week, blood work constantly and I just incorporated this new aspect of my life in to my everyday life with the girls. It got bad fast and the intense fatigue and sickness left me no choice but to quit my weekend job at the crisis line. It sucked, I hated doing that, I miss it, but at the time, my life revolved around getting the girls to their places and my bed. We'd be in pjs w/ lights off, just a tv on in my bed before M even got home from work. I'd fall asleep for good around 8.
Summer came and we got our passes to water park. I was doing better sick wise, but was an unhappy, waddling hippo. I leaked pee constantly. I can't say for sure how many times I probably peed in my bath water but since I wasn't for sure I ignored the possibility.
I loved sitting in the water at the water park. I was getting tan and it was really relaxing for me.
On Sept. 3rd, we had a scheduled c-section with our favorite OB Dr. Kolar in Fort Worth. She has taken care of me with all 3 of them and leaves the best, almost non existent c-sec scar. By my 3rd, I would have not let anyone cut on me except her. Surgery scares me to death but being in her care calmed my nerves.
My nurses at Harris SW were the absolute best. They'd sit on the bed and chat with me, compliment my hair coloring or Victoria secret robe, loved them loved them! I threw up before surgery after getting the IV hooked up. Someone tell me why liquids only in the iv bag would make me feel dizzy, like I was going to pass out then bring on intense nausea and vomiting?? Even the nurse was confused and asked if I was prone to anxiety. I said yes but that I'd never seen a room spin just from being anxious. BIZARRE. I got to operating room, nervous but the girl who the did spinal injections was awesome. She was so sweet to me the whole time, monitoring my anesthesia. At one point I felt a weird, hard, a bit painful sensation in the middle of the operation and was promptly given more drugs. FREAKY. They then pulled Anderson from me, I heard this little lamb of a cry and my eyes flooded with tears. He was so real. I couldn't wait for them to put his cheek next to mine, and see the little hands and feet that had been kicking me all morning, all month, all pregnancy. He was beautiful beyond words. I'm thinkin probably the prettiest baby born that day in Texas, maybe all of earth.
I got to hold him and watch his first bath, etc but a few hours later the nurses decided his breathing was too labored. You know c-sec babes and how their lungs have a hard time getting the liquid out?! UGH. I knew he was fine. I was mad he was in the nicu. I was like give the boy a chance to get it out, maybe he is lazy. Then some crazy nicu nurse told me he was not coming back to my room no matter how well he was doing after the check up. WTF?! I could have died. I wanted to rip off the iv drip, grab him and get home. I knew he was fine. I never worried for him. They kept coming back with odd reports, some positive, then negative, then positive, then misleading, nurse say one thing, neonatal dr say another. However, that was a lie about him not being able to come back to my room. The next day after a full 24 or 30 hours in nicu, they brought him in. They said his jaundice was bad and may end up back in nicu and also testing his breathing too. all this drama and never once was I worried. I don't know why. I felt like they were putting me on an unnecessary emotional roller coaster. By day 3, the neonatal dr said we'd be discharge......but the fill in dr for MY pediatrician in downtown was a complete bitch. She was ice cold telling me the baby had to stay another night, even though never once were his lungs in true danger, the xrays revealed that, as for the jaundice, it was at a level that could be monitored every few days at my pediatricians office. I was angry with her terrible bedside manner. She is from Africa w/ that thick accent that annoyed me. If you are going to practice medicine here, speak the way I do, lose the accent so I can comprehend the words coming out of your mouth. I know, I'm a B for sayin it. The nurses in the regular nursery were like "no one is out to get you, and YOUR pediatrician would have ordered the same thing, that you two stay another night" i wanted to say "F you" b/c I was pumped full of drugs, my baby was taken to nicu, poked prodded every few hours, and I was bordering on full blown hormone psychosis. Instead I said, "I understand the protocol, I'm educated enough to understand a medical protocol, but my pediatrician, Dr. Champion has been by side since the birth of my 1st baby in 2003, we have a wonderful rapport and he would have been a bit more sensitive in delivering bad news to a hormonal mother". My regular nurses told me that the dr that was fillin in for him is no one's favorite, apparently everyone thinks she is a frigid B. After getting over the shock of having to stay another 24, we made the best of it. My sister got in from Alaska and brought me Razoos food, stuffed shrimp. I had missed her throughout all the nicu drama but she came and delivered what I needed at a time when I could have lost my mind. I cried non stop those days in the hospital. It was confusing and a blurr and we had to tell important people not to visit b/c he was being kept away so much. By the time we got home on Labor Day I felt like I had barely had any time to hold him. IT SUCKED. Michael's parents greeted us at the house and got to meet their grandson. They brought food and gifts, sweet! After that, I just held Anderson and cried. Michael asked what was wrong but he knew. I just didn't want to let go.
And I haven't.
He will be six months old on March 3rd, Michael's 34th bday. Then the next day is my bday!
March is my favorite month, well one of!
I love Anderson Michael more than words can express. He is a gift. I'm so glad he is a part of our family. He brought us full circle.
