Perspective

Welp, I am at work. Yes, on a Sat. night. I traded shifts w/ someone so I could sleep in. I wasn't feeling so great last night. It hit me just how lucky, how 'blessed' I am to have this job and to have certain women in my life here who make it EASY to be a working mom. I am part time and a lot of times I am part part time, meaning I take off a shift per pay period. I picked up some gift cards for these girls for starbucks today. It isn't much but people who are willing to their own shifts plus mine, need to be shown gratitude.
As, does everyone in my life..and not just at the holidays.
I can be quite the spoiled brat. It is not becoming and many times I feel entitled. I don't require much but at the same time, I want what I want when I want it. I feel like I did 'my time' all growing up and that this should be the easiest part of my life, with the hardest parts, all behind me. I am wrong. I am even more wrong to think this way. I think that b/c I went to college, I should have all the luxuries I want. College wasn't easy and so I have this expectation that the rest of my life SHOULD be easy. College wasn't hard but it was a discipline I had never known. It was the last time I had it too.
Of course, I know, that everything I have is enough. Everything I need is here already.
I just got off of Target.com, searching for 'things' to get the kids. As if, my order to Amazon wasn't enough. It probably wasn't...but at the end of the day, the girls are 3 and 6 and what do they care? What do they know? Also, they have already had some Christmas (we celebrated a week ago w/ my fam). Also, Christmas day we are going to the inlaws...thus more Christmas. I have asked Miss B what she wants and each time I get the same answer "make up and that mask we saw when we were at the mall"
Ok, make up? Fine whatever. I can make a cute goodie bag w/ the cheapo stuff from Walgreens. The mask, has a cute story. We were killing time, just us two while my car was getting a new battery at Sears at the mall. We wandered in to this mystic, earthy store...kinda cool but kinda NOT up my alley. It smelled bad - of incense. I thought that crap was just to cover up the smell of weed. I wanted to zip in and zip out, but she saw those New Orleans type masks hanging and was mesmerized. I was not. They were the kind you can wear. When she told me that she wanted one for Christmas, I went back to that store, held my breath so I didn't gag on incense and went to buy a mask. There was a problem though. I got stumped at the colors. I didn't know if there was a specific one she saw or if any ol gaudy mask will do. I went with red b/c should she want to hang it instead of wear it, it would at least match her room! The next time she brought it up, she said "that red mask we saw". Yay for me! Little did she know, it has been wrapped and under the tree for over a week now. If she is seriously this easy to please, then the other items I picked out on Amazon.com should just be frosting on the cake. I ordered her rollerskates but there is a slight chance they may not make it in time for xmas. I'm not going to freak. I mean who cares. They might come the day after and it will still be exciting to her. I know she wants a pair and I plan to take her rollerskating again, soon.
So, as I brainstorm about all of this stuff and the desire to see their eyes light up, I can't help but feel bad. I struggle with feeling entitled and feeling humbled. I even re-read my list I posted, knowing there are women in other parts of this very city who just want their electric billed paid for Christmas and here I am asking for shoes, perfume, cds! Again, the part of me who thinks she is deserving, did my time, lived with a mom who wished for a bill to be paid at the holidays, picked up my pieces, did what was right, is doing what is right, but still- tomorrow that mom could be me. Please, I don't ever want toothpaste and toilet paper to be on my wish list! Ugh, but it isn't like God did some equation that said, 'oh for you Candice crappy upbringing + going to college = bliss forever!'
I don't admit to be illogical, that is for you to assume and never bring up.

I have to just admit it. We went and looked at a beautiful house today. But! Home is where the window unit is! If life was easy, I'd twitch my nose and have what I want when I want it. Anyway, nothing is impossible and if I want something bad enough, I can manifest it. I will not accept defeat. I did however have an aw ha moment...realizing that I probably didn't decorate as much for Christmas b/c I hate my house these days. This realization makes me want to slap me and cry. How can I be so shallow. It is a home.

I have friends going through some awful things this Christmas. I don't want to say anything specific b/c what they are going through is so unique to just them that it would be insensitive of me to discuss on my blog. If they are reading, which I think they are Candyland fans...I want them to know that I'm saddened by their situation. In all my greed, I should know better when there is so much to be thankful for! I hope for health and prosperity in 2010 for these friends. I know the tears they have shed and I know that for me to be caught red handed with all of my greed is so shameful. Please, take this blog with a grain of salt. Yes, I want the baby G perfume, but I want more for you.

I even think of my friend Kelli's sis who moved to another state with her new husband! I told Kelli 'she is so brave, I couldn't seem to make it in Houston!' Starting over in another place is HARD. I miss Houston at times and people do not believe me. However, I have a tribe here helping me raise two very important daughters. Lets face it, they are continuing to help raise ME. Michael might have been further in his career by now, we'd still be in a newer house....but without a tribe....well...you know

So please if you have your health, your jobs, your families close by....keep in mind that tomorrow you or I may not.

I think I do an okay job at staying optimistic in a world that suppresses us. There is so so so much bad and ugliness. I just want to fall asleep and wake up in a real Candyland.
I guess in between all of the cracks are slivers of hope and a slight glimmer of faith that no matter what, we are all going to be okay. Well, with me in my house and my want for shoes and cds and pathetic desires of tummy tucks and botox and you with your less insane wants.

I'm closing up shop, i.e leaving work for the night. I'll be back tomorrow.

I talked with a woman who has no place to go, she had no i.d and so the shelters will not accept her. It was one of the few times I had to tell her that I basically 'got nothin'. How horrible. Even more horrible is that I've trained my heart to not feel about this kind of stuff. :( It makes me tear up, wondering if I've become some sort of monster. I'm not. I think it is just a defense mechanism. You hear enough sadness, your heart will learn to deject it. But, really, I AM sad. I talk with some of the saddest most destitute people in 13 counties.
If this doesn't get me in to Heaven, I don't know what will.
JK.....sorta.......