Not a recent pic, but it's something.
I just wanna complain. Might I add I got well from being sick in time to feel good for work. Today, wake up w/ allergies or cold, sore throat, but in a different way. Hit the door running, got B registered at her new school, and ran a bunch of errands on a list that never ends. All the while, feeling a bit run down. OVERWHELMED.
I can't keep up with my own existence. I bought cascade at Sams today, while saying out loud that I need clothing detergent. On the same isle I got the Bounce sheets. I had myself convinced I got clothing detergent until I got home, opened the back end of the car and saw the Cascade and thought 'what the flip did I buy that for, I have plenty of dish detergent SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT I need TIDE NOT CASCADE. CANDICE IS A MORON. Do I have a brain tumor? I'm not kidding, maybe something is seriously wrong w/ me. I was so ticked at myself. CASCADE! I'm OUT of Tide. I have TWO things of Cascade, now I have 3. How does one spend over $400 on groceries at Sams and manage to forget something so essential? I am convinced if we had to buy oxygen to live on, I'd be too aloof, too overwhelmed and not do anything about it until we were all gasping for life and sipping on our last breaths. MOMMY DID YOU FORGET AIR!! Yes, sue me. I can't keep everything together for everyone. Someone else has to remind me to even breath in the first place, how could I remember to buy oxygen? It seems like a useless but yet very primary commodity. Ugh.
Here's the deal. My car looks like a homeless person moved in and set up camp, with fire in metal trash can and all. I've been known to reach down for a pen to write with and pull out a banana peel. Who lives like this? My cats do whatever they want whenever they want. Gep is shedding at an alarming rate, I find hair in my tonsils, dinner, toes, nostrils, panties, it is freaking every where. Tomorrow he gets his beloved lion cut. Give Mommy a break. Griff pees on A's bed. I wash the linens and we all close the door, but someone, probably me, slips up and he sneaks in and does it again. Mother FFFFFFFFFFFFFFf. Sorry, it is how I feel. Peace be with me before I officially blow.
I asked M to unload and load dishwasher while I was at work. He didn't. My head spun but I'm really not a fighter, (no matter what he tells you), so I calmly say, "I see you didn't do the dishes". His response, "I seriously didn't have a chance". He doesn't HAVE to play Barbies and make crafts all night w/ the girls and plus they go to bed EARLY. Ugh. Excuses. But, that just makes me sound like a newlywed, complaining about petty dishes. But dishes compounded with cracker crumbs everywhere I sit, mixed with all the disgust the house offers. I'm over it. I am researching 203k loans to get this house rehab-ed. I am going to die in here. The carpet I will start ripping out in a manic episode I just know it. I'd rather walk on plywood or concrete than deal one more second with it. I pull up and I am grossed out by what is happening to the outside. I go out back and I'm filled with rage over what our renters dog did the wood on the house. This is a black hole and there is no getting out of it. So frustrated, it makes me not even want to be here. I have tried to paint, I mess up. I have no help w/ any of the problems. There is an electrical hazard in my master closet, the light is hanging from ceiling w/ all wires exposed. It still works but no one dares to pull the string. On top of all this, I have an organizational problem. I can't get organized. I think I must be ill. I'm up. I'm down. Today the girls tested me but it was probably more me than them, due to me feeling blah and feeling like we will never get my list done. I'm determined to have a good week with them. We already have a few fun things planned.
I had all these brilliant ideas of how the days would go the exact minute that they were out of school. Due to getting sick last week, none of it has happened. I have wanted to go to gym, badly, but can't, not until I feel normal again. I sent M to store tonight for Mucinex and Tide. I have Zyrtec D running thru my chaotic veins, had to take Clonipin to stop the racing bizzerkness from the "speed" in Zyrtec D. Oh and I'm bloated, not period bloated, just saving up for a ten year excursion in the desert bloated, like a camel. Do you get it? My body saves the water I drink, as if it questions what I'll be doing five minutes later which is DRINKING MORE WATER. I Love my H2o. I am never w/o it. However, I'm not stupid enough to take my prescription water pill when I'm trying to recover from being sick. I'm pretty sure that would be the dumbest thing I could do. Drink plenty of liquids - then flush them right out? STUPID. So what does that mean? It means I look like an elephant and have to wear yoga pants.
Anyone who reads all this must have no life, OR, reading me sounding so pathetic makes you feel better about your life. You only thought yours had hang ups. I win. Well today, in my Emo state, I win. Everyone deserves a pity party! I just celebrated with a pudding cup and chocolate milk. Gym what?
Tomorrow is a brand new day. In all it's chaos, I already know how beautiful it will be. I have my sidekicks to keep me on my toes, remind me why I came the earth, I thought I was just passing through, visiting. Come to find out, it is all about them. Maybe in Candyland, it is ALL ABOUT ME.
BESIDES THE PEOPLE
Things that bring me joy-
My favorite Cds- Madonna Hard Candy, Lady GAGA, Anna Nalick, Taylor Swift, Jack Johnson
Blogging- I can't help it
Photography- not that great at it, but it is so fun, on a daily
A new movie out on dvd! I just need a good chick flick to make me smile.
Being in the sun
Devotionals- not the wierdo ones- but the introspective ones, designed for girls like me
I read something yesterday that religion was for people who were afraid to go to hell and that spirituality was for people who have already been there.
Whatcha think? Wait a sec, I don't really care. I liked it. I believe it. There is a profound reason why religion freaks me out, why I think there is good cause to have as many as we do on a worldwide level. Who would be ignorant enough to think theirs is it, THE one? Just seems completely absurb. There I said it.
I do know a lot of people who seem to have the religion AND spirituality thing down. You can read on their blogs- lissa and stephanie talk a lot about it and kelli touches on it at times. I believe them. They are believable. I buy it. I should take it. Just take the pill swallow it down and never look back.
I have to publicly thank Kelli for extending her warmth and kindness to Amy. As a protective sister of Amy's, I hate seeing her in pain. Watching my good friend take her with her to church to aid in her healing, well, it makes the joy list.
