Not sure if I have posted this pic on here.
I am at work. I didn't work overnight, but I think the schedule defect was not my fault. I think I was suppose to work but someone else got sucked in to it. Now I'm worried they might be upset w/ me, but the schedule got me so confused, I convinced myself I was obviously in the wrong.
On my way to work, it was pouring rain, I barely washed my face and put on clean clothes. I forgot to grab a microwave meal for lunch. I had to stop at Starbucks to get coffee, water and breakfast, all of which I usually provide for myself. I was just out of it.
There was wreck on 35W South, had to detour off of Northside Drive, which turns in to University, which hits 30 and then one more exit to my work. It helps to know your Ft. Worth geography when there is crappy traffic. (at 630am!)
My girls got to go to the Dallas Zoo w/ their grandparents and Aunt Shell yesterday. I got a message from them on the home machine and they were bouncing off the walls w/ excitement, "Mommy! We are going to the Zoo right now!!"
My eyes filled w/ tears to hear them so happy and excited. What more could I ask for? I can't always give them all of the entertainment in the world and lets face it, going to your grandparents is possibly some of the best memories many of us had. Letting go and letting them be little girls and independent from me from time to time has been hard, but good. I've gotten to shop a little, spend time alone (ugh), read, and try try to be one w/ myself. It is hard. I set out to have children b/c I didn't ever want to be alone. I know, what a selfish reason. Well, I wanted to be a mother more than anything. I wanted it more than I wanted my college degree. But.... I knew I had to get the degree. I'm so glad I stayed motivated long enough to pull it off and do it well and graduate at the top of my class. Thank goodness I got it, I'm using it, literally, right now...
The thought of those girls getting bigger and older and one day leaving me is enough to send me in to panic. Michael can't possibly indulge me 24/7. He works hard so I can focus most of my time on the kids, what a gift. But, what happens when they are grown? Wait around for grandkids? Work more? Wait around for retirement? I guess I'll still be meeting my sisters and girlfriends for lunch, gabbing about stupid stuff like the sluts on t.v or politics (just kidding).
This fear of them getting bigger almost makes me want more kids, however, these two are expensive! The MDO, the cheer and tumble, the season passes to waterpark, all of the fun stuff we do as a fam or w/ friends- it all adds up. So, selfishness aside, I still say we are finished w/ the having babies chapter, I mean I'd like to be able to help them as much as possible and when it is time for them to go out on their own, I'd like to help them make it through college, plan beautiful weddings, help with their baby nurseries. I know, I'm a little ahead of myself. I'm 31 and I cannot imagine having "big kids" or "teens". However, Miss B is breaking me in, one smart mouthed comment at a time. She is so much like her father it is scary! She has an even sense of stability. She is never hyper but never 'down' either. She is rarely angry and once I told her that she just needs to say, "Mommy, I'm feeling angry right now" - she took that and ran with it. Her version is, "Mommy, I'm getting angry" My first reaction was almost to say, "well deal with it child" but b/c she is doing exactly what I instructed, exactly what a well balanced child should do, we talk about it. We talk about anger and how whatever it is, it isn't the end of the world, but be angry, just don't stay in it. And, just like her Daddy, she has to debrief alone, until she is good and over it.
Ashlee, my firecracker is so much like me, I think it will forever be like staring in a mirror. She smiles even when she knows she is being naughty. At age 2, she is sarcastic. Oops, my bad. She is vocal. She makes up for B's quiet temperament. She is loud, messy, hilarious, and smart. My doctor on more than one occasion has told me, that the more "difficult" children are the ones who end up doing the best in life. If so, I should have zero concerns for Ashlee. She may be testing me on a daily, but she could be the one that goes to Africa to college and saves the world. Just sayin.
So for all the bugaboos in my life, here is my upcoming schedule of events (you know, I would never think I was THIS important but if having 15 missed calls isn't a hint, then please tell me, what is?)
May 17, Sunday, tomorrow, I work boo- but the kids come home. I want to trade shifts w/ a lady here but I don't think she wants too, but w/ any luck she will and I'll be home by 330 pm, otherwise it is the 3pm-whenever shift- I put whenever b/c I can leave at 11 or stay til 2 or 3am. ugh.
Monday- Tio's bday AND Amber's bday. Hmmm not sure if this means I'm busy or not, haven't heard. As close as Amber lives, I hope to at least SEE her!
Tues.- hmm that is strange, nothing on the calender. B has school (MDO LAST WEEK). Oh that must mean I SHOULD go to gym, groc shop and clean house. We'll see. Oh and cheer at 4pm! We missed last week b/c I B kept complaining about a sore throat. Anytime I think she has a slight bug, I keep her away from public places and other children. I don't want to jeopardize her tiny immune system any more than I have to.
Wed.- No more during the week work for me! I have a 10am hair appt in S. Arl while the girls are in MDO. So Candice will be getting root touch ups on the blond and probably a fresh coat of brown on the low lighted section, and a hair cut. It is starting to get at that funky length that looks way dumb no matter how I wear it.
Thurs- Girls LAST DAY OF MDO!! Mommy time for me. I planned it this way, for me to discontinue middle of the week work one week before they got out just to have those two little days to myself. We also have Tumble that day at 330-415pm, another beautifully, quiet 45 min I look forward to.
Fri.- BOOHOO, I am getting a crown on the molar that has been bugging me for literally two years or more. Insurance may not cover it b/c nothing is visible on x-rays. I asked M to take the morning or day off, to take me b/c I plan on taking the kind of medication that I shouldn't drive on beforehand. Plus, I didn't want to send the kids away for one little morning procedure. I know I'll be fine, just not fine enough to drive there. I'm panicky about it b/c I haven't even had a cavity filled in like 10 years, my teeth have been fine! I'm nervous but excited if M actually takes the entire day off to be w/ me and the girls. So that appt is 1030am and there is a high probability I will turn off my cell phone, maybe even take my home phone off of the hook. Days that all 4 of us are together are so rare, I'd hate for technology to interrupt. Plus, did you read above, I'm taking MEDICATION!! Don't make me embarrass myself by talking, under the influence and with a half numb mouth. That is cruel.
Sat. May 23rd, back to regular grind, working weekend shifts. and the following week should be when the girls and I can start going to waterpark. Let the harmful rays begin.
P.S. Quick plug- jessica got me on her mary kay skin line and make up and I have to say I LOVE IT. Who knew!? My face feels so clean. I even got the microdermabrasia stuff, which is a product I love anyway, by any brand but the mary kay brand is the best by far. And the make up- forget everything else- it is doing a very a good job covering up the "sun spot" from A's pregnancy on my forehead which gets darker during the summer and some of the redness I have on my cheeks. I am more than impressed! So, if anyone is interested in trying my stuff, let me know, I have it all! Oh the best part is that she let me do a payment plan and she'll do it for my friends and family. I'm so proud of her. :)
Also, kristyn is selling Uppercase living (just like Kelli) and is actually under Kelli. Kristyn can do signs and is also making bows.
P.P.S (who is this letter to?) Amy is amazing me w/ her strength. I know she feels like she is in that old ride at Six Flags, where the bottom drops out and you stay stuck to the wall. It isn't there anymore. Help me out, what was the name? This is my analogy, not hers. I know though, it is how she feels, I am on it with her. I wouldn't let her get on alone or without me. I would never say, 'go ahead, get on, tell me how it was, I'll be on the other side waiting'
No, I get on. People may puke, become disoriented, etc.. but I endure it with Amy, b/c lets face it, it may be us who starts the puking, but never falling down. The bottom is GONE and no one falls through the big hole???? Seems impossible but she is living it. Dare I say she may become a better, stronger person through this? I am still very angry and hurt for her. I have a hard time sleeping and I get panic attacks out of nowhere. This sucky event has happened to me, to all of us and for my own selfish reasons, I am bitter. BUT- because I love Amy and Logan so much, I certainly can't stay here for long. Eventually the thing stops spinning and the floor comes back up and we step off. It was never a fun ride. No wonder 6 flags got rid of it.
