Today is my mom's birthday. It just wouldn't feel right to not post a blog. Last night B heard me say it out loud, I was thinking out loud, on the phone but the person I was talking to, didn't hear, which was fine, I was just thinking out loud. A few minutes later, me and the girls were in my bed and B goes, "Who is your mom?" My heart sunk. It is starting to feel like groundhog day, the explanation of who my mother is/was and where she is and if/when we will ever see her again. I said, "Well Nana is like my mom."
I wanted to leave it there.
But then I said, "But I had a mom, but she is in Heaven, we'll have to wait a while to see her, but I bet she would think you are pretty cute!"
B, "Why can't we see her? Lets dig her up."
Wow, I am not doing a very good job on being a spiritual teacher if she thinks we can 'dig her up'.
I say, "well shes not in the ground, shes in a wall" (Because that makes more sense)
B, "huh, how can a person be in a wall"
Me, "because when someone dies, they are really in Heaven but we have to put what is left somewhere, so we put her in a wall, it is hard to explain"
B, "so she can see us from Heaven?"
Me, "yes, I think so"
At this point I want to cry, but I don't. I'm having a hard time even looking at her sweet 5 year old face.
Me, "She is like an angel and she can see you and your sis, and me and Kristyn"
B, "how is tomorrow her birthday"
This conversation won't end will it- I think it, but I don't say it.
Me, "because before she went to Heaven, she had birthdays just like me and you"
That sentence alone was enough to pierce my heart. I know it's truth every single day, but saying it out loud feels evil. I'm nine years away from being my mom's age at the time of her death. She has been gone about 12 years. The memory of her, her laugh, everything, is almost as if it never was. At times, I forget I had her. At times I forget she had me. If I think about it too much, it overwhelms me, and reminds me, that we all go at some point and that the memory of who we are/were will at some point be forgotten, as if we never lived in the first place.
I know, how pathetic and sad, to say it. I at least do think we are here for a purpose. I'm really glad she was born, and that I was born and that I got to have two girls too. I'm glad she gave me Kristyn, and all of the sweet goodness that comes from having a sister. She'd be so excited to see me with two girls of my own!
Happy Birthday Mom.
