I have to give a big shout out to my Kelli for telling me about www.picnik.com. I kept delaying going, blaming it on my poor time management skills, but then, alas, a cold night gets me to try it out. See above Miss B! This was taken last night at Sofia's Princess Tea party in Grapevine. I was able to artsy it up and I wanted to post my first piece of art! I wish I had something profound to write about, but I really do not. I have been a bit in a rut and I'm not sure why. I find myself wanting this or that, but not actually seriously enough to pursue it. I want more time for this and less time for such and such. I know, vague. I can't even put my finger on it. Then tonight, I started to tear up. Michael begged me to come sit next to him and I finally did to shut him up. I know, he's not a talker, but something came out that I wasn't expecting, all of this compassion and desire to listen to me. I'm like 'ok, who the heck are you'. So I hesitate to say anything, because maybe I'm just a ball of hormones. Maybe my body is still adjusting to not having the iud hormone. Maybe it is because I gave up Dr. Pepper, until today, at work, I relapsed. So then I just start telling him that the house is falling a part, literally, that I feel like I'm never caught up on house duties, that I never get a second to do something outside the house just for me w/o the kids and when I do, I hate how I feel. So then he says, "You don't have to work weekends" And I say, "Are you kidding me, it's the best part, I get some quiet time!" So he says, "then work more if you'd like" and I say, "No, in fact, working while the girls are in mommys day out is a strain on me. I have no time to grocery shop or pee w/o them with me. It would not be a big deal except Ash isn't the greatest co-shopper. She seems to have this threshold of madness. I have to carefully plan things like the gym or a trip over to a friend's house. A week ago I spent the day at Heidi's and just said the heck w/ napping Ashlee. I let her go buck wild, run around in the cold without a jacket b/c I wanted girl time. A day later, A had a cold. Good call Mommy! lol. I'm not overwhelmed. I'm just not good at managing my life I guess. I also told him, once I had somewhat stopped sobbing, that I do not want more children. A few days ago, it just came to me, that I have all that I can and should ask for, and that any more might cause me undue stress. I hate admitting that, like I'm too weak willed for more children, like the two I have are already kicking my butt. They aren't. Anything I appear to not have a handle on is my issue not theirs. I also think that Ashlee is not meant to be a middle child. She seems completely satisfied being the spoiled baby. So I told him that I'm getting on the pill and then in a year, assuming I still feel this way, I'm getting my tubes tied. He basically said, we'd decide later. Ha. That's funny. I can't believe he'd even entertain having three to take care while I'm at work on weekends, the two days he gets off from his full time job! I think I'm just at the point where instead of filling in the gaps or checking off boxes (wedding, career, babies), I just want to live. But, who has time for that when you're constantly cleaning the kitchen or a toddler is on your leg? These aren't things that upset me. Of course the children make a mess in the kitchen, I'm thankful there is not carpet in there! Of course my two year is needy, she is TWO. Of course I am fortunate beyond what the english language is capable of conveying! I know that. I am humbled by simply going to my job and listening to others calling in for help, with lives falling a part. I am not complaining about my blessings. I told Michael that I feel bad to even unload on him, as he works all week and then watches the girls while I go work. I just said, "I think a lot of people think I have all of this "free" time and it's not free at all, it is a lot of scheduling and then cleaning up before and after". He was really so sweet and sympathetic, I still think an alien abducted him, but whatev. He just kept hugging me and telling me to make a list for him, of which I cannot bring myself to do. It is just a process I suppose. I need to ask him for help with home projects. I need to ask him for a date night. I need? What a concept. I guess like any rarity in nature, I need to be nurtured, or I will deplete.
What would I like more time for?
An evening here and there - nothing big, just like a dinner down the road or a trip to the mall, I even have the number of a girl who babysits on my block....hmmm I could program the number in to M's cell.
Time to go to Barnes and Noble and sift through all of the sections I love. It used to be something I loved very much, now it is a memory!
More time w/ other couples
More time w/ my girlfriends
More time w/ my family- to scrapbook, to hang out, see Jess more
More time to write- it has been so long I'm aching. I know there are words in there dying to come out and it is pretty much the only way I know how to tap in to my spiritual being.
Take a family vacation!
Take a mini M and C vacation, although I'm more hungry for the family one!
Workout more, try a new recipe, call an old friend. Stop writing in this blog and go to bed. I'll start there.
