11-06-06
As promised, the birth of Ashlee Morgan. Let us rewind. Leading up to Miss B turning 2, I felt the clock ticking. I felt it was time, to add to our beautiful family. However, of course, my plans were somewhat altered. I had another miscarriage (my third) in 2005. Of course, I was devastated, angry, hurt, and mostly shocked. I thought I knew how to prevent miscarriage and carry a baby. I thought I proved so by delivering a perfect baby already. Funny how I keep being wrong and the lessons just never stop pouring in. I told friends and family I didn’t want a pity party and I didn’t! I wanted to pick myself back up and keep counting my blessings. I figured we would try again when the time was right. We celebrated B turning 2, we rang in the new year, 2006, and then some female issues came knocking. I wasn’t having a cycle. So, my dr. put me on some medicine to make that happen and also gave me a prescription for Clomid for when I WAS READY to start trying for pregnancy. Boy did things not go my way. I had it in my little head that I’d get my cycle back to normal and then we could start trying AFTER Jessica’s wedding. I wanted to be a part of every aspect and I knew that pregnancy could mess that up for me, due to sickness.
Then one night I was wondering why the medicine had not worked. I called 3 pharmacists who all said I should have “started”. I start freaking out. I went in to full panic mode. In the back of my head I am thinking “it is medically impossible to be pregnant, I’m on medication to make my body do something basically opposite of getting pregnant and if I am pregnant am I taking medicine that is a forced miscarriage?” So, I throw on clothes and tell Michael I am going to the store for a test and he rolls his eyes and says, “you should own stock in pregnancy tests” and I say, “well as many times as I’ve been pregnant, I can’t be too careful, and just be glad I’m not sending you to the store for a pregnancy test, condoms, and a Cosmo magazine!”
I wasn’t kidding. I didn’t really want to be pregnant. Remember, I like control over these things. I like MY timing, my reasoning. I thought the miscarriage was telling me to wait and then Jess got engaged so I had things perfectly mapped out. I know, who plans around their sister’s wedding? I do! I knew there would be fun stuff coming up.
I come home w/ the test and stuck the stick in a cup of pee. I think it was a plastic Razzoo’s cup which I threw away afterwards. POSITIVE. There it was, fast as could be. In fact NO other pregnancy test ever popped up that fast and this was my 5th time being pregnant. So, I thought, “oh my goodness, I’m REALLY pregnant, as in A LOT pregnant, not just a little bit” I don’t think I even bothered peeing on another stick. Everything was making sense but now I knew I needed my progesterone or this pregnancy could be in the toilet by sunrise just like 3 other pregnancies had. Sorry, graphic, I know, but when you become one big science experiment, sounding sophisticated is not possible.
Luckily I saw a dr. on Monday. All we knew was that I was maybe 5.5 weeks, too early to see a heartbeat. I insisted on coming back in a week and then we saw a heartbeat! There she was! Beating away and I just wanted to sew my legs together and not let her slip. I thought, stay in here angel, we see your heartbeat! And, just as I predicted I was very ill, and did not make it to all of Jessica’s parties but made it to most but was too sick to really enjoy myself. I had to leave during the reception after the wedding for fear I was going to start barfing and ruin her beautiful day.
I was due November 18, 2006 but I was scheduled for a c-section November 6, 2006. Names we considered, well I considered were Hadlee and Samantha. Both were vetoed by Daddy. I became too weak to care – that sounds awful but I just wanted a pretty name and I was fine w/ Daddy picking something out. He picked Ashlee and I chose to spell it that way. I also chose her middle name Morgan. Once everything was said and done the personalized gifts started pouring in! I’d see it in print and not believe she was real, until of course, 11-06-06 with my arms strapped to an operating table, oxygen mask over my face, unable to fill any body part, except my heart pounding away. Michael and I fell in love all over again, with each other, with our first daughter and with our new daughter, with life. How could anyone be so blessed? I know my fertility issues are very small in comparison to many others. I know how lucky I am. I guess that is why no day is ever just another day. No kiss is ever rushed, no hug ever too long. No matter how much time goes by, this never gets old to me, being their Mommy. I love them passionately because they are my teachers, they enhance all of my good qualities, they make me want to be a better person, dream bigger, have higher hopes, they give me a reason to have faith and dig beneath me in the spiritual essence of all things me, they make me look at Michael differently, love him greater, and hope only awesome things for all 4 of us.
Miss A.M. just turned two. What a glorious day seeing how she has gone from helpless infant to feisty, independent toddler! I cannot wait to see her at 16, 21, 35…..oh wait, yes I can- can I have yesterday back?
