"Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!"
Oh yes, better than gordiva, I crave to write in the blog. The countdown is on until we are back in our home. I'm so excited, its like Christmas for us! Its not even going to be stressful. The Pods will be delivered and I'll hire people to unload when Michael is at work while I eat bon bons with the girls. We just want to relish in the moment. I'll do a usual "candice" style unload, which means most everything goes in the garage for me to leisurely pull out as I work on the house. If there is one thing I dislike, it is tripping over boxes to get to the other side of the room. That is rediculous, and for me, a recipe for disaster.
So until then..weekend of May 16-18...we are just staying busy. I'm wrapping up some stuff with school, preparing for exams, and for the most part, the time is rapidly passing. I love it! The only part that is a downer is that I seldom see Michael anymore. He wakes up at 5 or 6am and is gone while I'm still sleeping. He works 9-6 and with traffic gets home just in time for the girls bedtime. Many times he still finds himself on the computer and then going to sleep early. As one might imagine, I get SUPER excited for the weekends to hit. The girls and I miss him like crazy. So, our weekends get crazier.
Brookelyn is now in a competitive cheerleading/tumble class near our house in NRH. Shes been twice now and LOVES it. It is so her niche! Watching the practices has brought me great joy, knowing we are doing the right thing. She tries SO hard and really aims to please and succeed! She got fitted for practice clothes and uniform last Monday. They also hold "parents night out" for the kids so random friday nights they go up there and have a big party. This is going to be an awesome chapter for her. I can't tell you how bored she looked when she was in Ballet. She tried so hard, and really, did well, but I rarely saw her giggling or smiling. I know she is capable of whatever she wants to try, I'm just saying the more rapid "sport" might be up her alley. Right now they practice once a week but in August it goes up to twice a week. She has been asking me if she can join soccer too, but I told her to wait and see how cheerleading goes and that I don't want to overload her!
Yesterday I took her back to the church we went to over the weekend (the only one I ever visit in Ft Worth) and she got to play w/ other kids while I sat in a meeting for moms. It was fun for her but just "ok" for me. If I have suck up my anxiety and get over myself, then I suppose I can keep going...........but the truth is...........it really is not me. The other women are nice and welcoming.........but if you think that by me going to a group like this over and over is going to change me-- well then the whole world is sadly mistaken. Why don't we just send gay men to straight camp?
I don't like putting on facades. I don't like censoring myself. I don't like pretending to be something that I am not. I have to know that I am good enough for the same God they worship. I need to know that when I say, "Talking w/ Brookelyn is like talking to Borat sometimes" that God isn't pissing himself w/ horror. I need to know that liking the "like a prayer" video where Madonna is a teeny bit sac-religious isn't my one way ticket to Hell.
Lets face it- I listen to Rebecca St. James when I'm in the dang mood for spiritual music and I listen to Rage Against the Machine when I'm on a mission to clean the house in a hurry.
You got a mom's group like that?
I don't mind mommy groups, play groups, prayer groups, etc.. what I mind is having to put on a sweatshirt to cover my t-shirt before entering the building.
I always come back to this place of "love me" or "suck it".
I do like the services at this place though, and the music-- all of it is very down to earth-- thank God, or I wouldn't go at all. And I'm not going every week. And I'm not making excuses. I want to have a cohesive family and raise good girls. I know I alone can't do that, so on that note, I'm counting on God to help me. I also know that if I take credit for all of the goodness in my life that I'm being extremely arrogant, which isn't me. I get that I've been taken care of by God and the universe. I'm not excusing the crappy hand I was dealt as a child. I don't think its fine that I had to visit my mother in the county hospital on Christmas Eve one year or that she died anyway a few years later. Those are just cards and I wasn't in control. I am in control of how things go now and I think if we don't rely on a higher power - then we are robbing ourselves of a lot of goodness.
On a last note, I finally watched "Talladega Nights- ballad of Ricky Bobby" movie w/ Will Ferrell and he is a nascar driver. He cracked me up when he would say grace before dinner for his family......."Dear Lord Baby Jesus, in the manger, thank you for the wonderous food of Dominoes Pizza and KFC"
Ricky Bobby: [running around on the track in his underwear] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
