Not So Much

I am a simple person. I have simple ideas, simple expectations. I have love in me river deep and ocean wide- sort of like a country song.
I can't go in to a lot of details because its not the place. I am just in a state of evaluation. Every once in a while, something happens or external forces come through my comfy, little, simple existence and disrupt me. I usually deal with it the best I know how, with the coping mechanisms that I have adopted and adapted to, basically since my entrance in to the world. I tend to isolate, turn off phones, and continue to live my day to day life that is full of total bliss. To distant outsiders it appears unhealthy or strange. To maintain a recipe of peace in my bubble, I simply have to stay in the bubble. It may not make sense to many people, but for me, it is the most capable equation, and the most sane possibility. Sometimes taking care of number one (me) and then 2,3, and 4 (B,A, and M)- we just gather like a cult and reflect. I am constantly gathering twigs for the nest and fetching worms. I am the mother bird who doesn't think twice of pecking others away, to maintain our sense of tranquility. I know it is hard for people to grasp the idea of selfless, most are simply selfish. In fact, I may come across selfish. Shame on me for creating a successful and fun life that my children and husband don't mind embracing. We aren't always perfect, but we are us, and I've never seen two happier children! That is not by coincidence. That is because they come first and have been given a life, given a mother and father who are present and attentive. I take everything I felt that was taken from me at an early age and I invest it in to my family. I am not built like everyone else. I am hard wired to do and respond in ways that are mostly positive but sometimes anxiety driven. I only have a few people that I can truly pick up the phone and cry my eyes out to.
Priorities and perspective, two things that should always be considered.
Flaky, flighty, fickle, fragile, four things that describe me on any given day.

I have a friend who is a warrior, whose husb is overseas, whose friend has passed away, who gets up and starts her day with her children like a happy camper and never misses a bedtime reading, who makes everyday fun. It is impossible not to love and appreciate life when you know others are pushing through with a beautiful smile on their face.

Tonight, I cut my toenails too short. I start cutting away at cuticles while watching a movie on Lifetime, I cut so short that I basically do surgery on my toes, it gets gross and extremely OCD. I can't stop. I can't just put the clippers and cutters away. I begin to go emo on my toes. I'll end up having to bandage a couple if they hurt in the morning. The funny thing is, Michael used to say "hey, cut that out, its gross" and now he doesn't say a word. Seeing me go insane on my feet is much like watching a normal wife flip through a catalog. I have to vacuum my surgical area before the kids awake.