In approx a month this lil man will be 1 year old. OMG. NOOOOOO. Don't worry, the sappy one year old blog is yet to come. He IS the BEST though.
In less than a month B starts 2nd grade and Miss A.M. starts MDO 3x a week.
I am working a lot of shifts in Aug. but my set, permanent shift is Sat. evenings and possibly coming up Fri evenings too. 2 shifts a week at my new, old job is a nice chunk of change. I'm so grateful. My first shift last weekend was a bit of a chaotic initiation. I step back in to crisis intervention. I love it. However, everyone else outside that job has no idea what it is really like to speak with not just 1 or 2 but several persons in crisis. I identify with the humanity of it all. I sympathize, sometimes empathize, but never judge. I get it. You know my mother utilized my unit's number. She received services there most of my life. I have an aura of positivity around me when I think about who I can help. It could be me on the other side. I'd want a sympathetic character to catch me too, or at the very least direct.
My anxiety feels heightened. My panic seeping out when ANY change is thrown in to my bubble. I make no apologies. This is my hell. The only people I try to protect is my children, but even so I cannot prevent them from seeing I can unravel. It isn't going to last long but I sit here and I think, omg- school, girls cheer stuff, 3 kids, 3 bdays and then the holidays!! All of these are awesome events but if I fixate long enough I'll have a heart attack.
The problem is most people in my life have lived quiet, maybe a little sheltered upbringings. The people are most of the people in my families. My friends I find solace in b/c people with broken pasts cling together, start clubs, support one another, lift each other up. I used to be so envious of the cousins on both sides of my families who were raised in simple homes. You hear theres no such thing as a perfect upbringing, maybe so, but I'm not related to anyone who had to start with dysfunction from the get go. Can you imagine being a newborn, loved madly of course but living in dysfunction from the moment you are brought to mother earth. i used to be mad at the injustice of it all - but now i see it is my gift. So what if I have my quirks as a result.? I can deal with a little control issues and anxiety when basically I am a success. I'm always going to be a little bit broken, but not in a way that prevents me from being the best version I know how.
I know I've gotten more sensitive, more feisty and it is only because when I can't control something near me, I unravel.
Having 3 kids is the easy part. Trying to contend with a world that wants to put in input, is hard.
Don't tell me I got my hands full. I'll tell you when I have my hands full, on my terms, in my way, in my own words.
P.S I don't take unsolicited advice. I really have never EVER been interested in others opinions. I have my own, I keep it to myself and thats that. When you ask for it, be ready for the input. When you don't ask for it, and get it anyway, Candice unravels. Don't question my personality. Don't question my actions. If you aren't here to support whatever version of Candice I have morphed in to, then output.
I feel bad at times, maybe I put others in a form where they have to walk delicately near me- and 5 to 10 years ago I would try to reverse that, a natural people pleaser my whole life. However, now, I have so little leftover to give. It is hard to please others so I took that expectation off of myself. I'm also no martyr. Martyrs don't die with special badges layed over their coffins. I just wanna do me. You can do you.
I'm so tired tonight. The heat is getting to me. I refuse to run errands with children in this heat. We melt on impact. It drains me. It makes me sick to my stomach and the pools have all gotten hot too. I love the sun but running a life in it, is hard. Many mornings we get up and get to gym. The kids love to play there and i get to wake up doing some cardio, but then often times here lately, it is all i have in me. It isn't like I'm doing a marathon. Its an hr of cardio, thats it. I had started doing weights before the wreck and now I have no excuse except I don't wanna. So I don't.
I've been laying in my bed for 2 hours. I tucked in the children an hour ago. I am strangely looking forward to my shift this weekend. Its quiet and even w/ a phone ringing, it is still down time for me. I get to be in a dark room, cold, with a computer and silence.
HOWEVER, I work two day shifts next week b/c I'm filling in and I am a little nervous. Day shift is way different than weekends. It stays busy and I am still so very rusty. I don't want any coworkers thinking i'm not pulling my weight b/c I have to put my phones on hold while I do all the progress notes, emails, faxes what have you that comes w/ the day calls. They are all fast and used to doing it fast. I'm out of practice, ESPECIALLY day shifts. yikes. wish me luck. I think I'll do fine but it's like i wanna walk in to work and yell 'I'm not a slacker, just be patient as I will not be as fast as you guys'
man, I used to pride myself on how fast I was with all that stuff. I got excited to see how much I could get done in 8 hours. Sigh, 3 babies later, only part time funky hours under my belt, I'm just rusty that's all.
Don't step on me, could lead to infection.
