I really didn't feel like blogging you know. I'm in a mood. Actually, just tired. When I'm tired I really cannot function. I basically spent first part of day pickin up my girls, getting one from one party, getting another to a different party. They are so popular, and I love how social they are. They aren't growing up like me, almost socially sad as a child. I couldn't leave my mother. I had an innate fear she could not function without me. Yes, sick, I know. My girls know I'm fine, or at least think I am, so they get to be carefree and have the ultimate childhood. I loved seeing Brookelyn jump on her friends trampoline, laughing, and then stayed for slumber party w/ like 15 girls!!!
Then today, watching Ashlee run all over the place with fellow 4, 5, year olds, giggling, licking icing off cake, beaming with happiness. It helps me, feel ok about my lil past, it got me here right. I used to think, sickly think I wasn't sure why I was born. For most of my childhood I said I was born to be Kristyn's big sister, I still mean that. I was also meant to be in a lot of people's lives and I can see that much clearly now. My auntmom wrote the sweetest note in my bday card, about how I am just as much hers and her other daughters. I needed to hear that. No one in my life was there the day I was born. The people who were are either dead or estranged. I wish my dad, aunt, uncle, etc were all there to pass me around and coo and grin.....but it just isn't how my story started. Am I really having issues in my 30s with this very small detail? It is just a detail. After my biological father emailed me recently, I was fine, except saddened that his memory of my birth was not my dad's or any of the people in my life now. I grieved for days for baby Candice. I said out loud to my dad, "I wanted YOU to have that memory" and then I'd be driving and hear myself, as an adult saying those words out loud and it hurt badly, I'd just tear up. I don't mind that someone else has the memory, just wish these loves in my life did too. I just had 3 babies in 7 years, so the joy of that experience, is so fresh, and on my own birthday I am reminded on my own birth- day. Plus, it is weird to me that all these cool things I'm seeing Anderson do, the people who saw me do these things for the 1st time, not here. It is like the first 3 years of my life do not exist. It doesn't exist for me or for anyone in my life currently. My dad and entire vz fam met me a little after my 3rd bday. I never knew any different. I just assumed I was theirs. I had to be told at age 5 or 6 that it wasn't the case, but of course it changed nothing. They were my life and still are. I was placed in their lives and here I am, sisters and sisters and cousins later.
But, who loves confronting their past and trying to reconcile the absurd nature of it?
I want some flavored popcorn. It is dill pickle flavored at this shop in Southlake and my mouth is watering for it. I haven't had dinner. I'll be wanting weird crap til I eat something, anything.
So lets get to the fam updating......
Michael is about to drive me nuts w/ his side project. We had a bleh day. We talked a bit tonight and he is going to cut back. All i have is his word at this point. there is a special place in heaven for workaholics but what does it have in it? computers? No thanks, I'll go to hell if I have to go there with him. I'm pretty patient with this kind of thing. Over the years I've learned complaining about something I can't control gets me no where. I love him, he loves me, we will see this mountain to the top, or at the very least, he will drag me kickin and screaming like a toddler. don't mind me. But, to be fair, I get to drop kick him rolling back down the mountain. It is only fair, i.e. he will owe me Mayfest, trip to the zoo, and several waterpark days. I'm living after this project, go with w/ me.
Brookelyn- daughter einstein, so proud of her. She had the flu a couple weeks ago, missed a full week and it was horrible! Where is my Mother scout badge for putting up with sick child for full week. The poor girl just wanted me to lay my head on her legs so we'd be touching. She is not touchy feely, but when she is sick,, she wants momma and I'm happy to take it. Cheer season is over and she wants a break. wish granted. She wants to do hip hop team, wish granted. I wish she could watch my life at her age and see just how blessed she is, to be getting to do such cool things and to have ME as her mom, wearing all my cheesy mommy cheer mom shirt. I am so proud and every child needs a mom in the stands screaming for them and helping them find a cool place for their trophy. I have to say, cheer competition days are some of my most favorite days as a mom. I look around and its just a bunch of parents, and gparents and kids and the energy is awesome. EVERYONE is proud.
Ashlee- she LOVEs school and they will be offering 3 days a week next year and she will go! She loves to be busy. She loves to be with friends, be on the go, loves to shop, pick out pretty things. She says things like "Mommy you look adorable in that dress, you are as pretty as 18 skies" I mean seriously!! Whenever she says things like that, I just look up and say a silent thank you to God, b/c this mother needed a child to give her that kind of love. Yes, please tell me I'm the prettiest person you have ever known!! She also loves me as much as two earths, a moon and an entire city. If that city is DFW, then that is a lot of love! Maybe she just meant our lil suburb tho, either way, 2 earths and a moon. top that. It can't be topped. Today, I loved watching her tickle her big sis after not seeing her for 3 days. I did not enjoy the biting session they held though later. I still bite Kristyn so it's ok. (jk) maybe, I dunno, but I'm gonna bite her next time I see her and see what she does.
Anderson Michael, sweet Prince of all that is holy- what? too much? He is my boy!! He is happy and a lover to all! Oh this was funny, one day I had him bundled in a blankie and I told brookie I'd call her baby moses when I bundled her that way, then when Ash came along I called her baby jesus (yes I realize this is only funny to me) and so then I was like "I don't know what to call Anderson! need to read up on more than 2 bible characters" and Brookelyn said, "baby God" I could have dropped that baby from laughin. Well the wise one has spoken, he is baby god. JUST KIDDING. Believe it or not, Michael is the one who keeps me from getting too much lunacy flowing out of my mouth. I guess someone has to. Ugh. killjoy! baby moses and baby jesus agree that Anderson is baby God. I'm just saying, who would argue? I'm gonna stop before i land myself on 34500654 more prayer lists. I mean no disrespect. You all realize that my kids know I'm not normal and they just fly with it. It's all they know! Now, don't any of you other normal moms go showing off and showing them any different.
I want to see that movie remake of Arthur. Is that nerdy? We have a giftcard from amy but we have seen about 2 movies since having children and it is just so hard. I usually wait for all movies to come out on video.
Have to tell you more mad props to my Pam next door. At this point I think my mom is speaking thru her and I honestly love her now. My heart is going to break the day they don't live next door. Yes, she helps me w/ my children any time I need her, but I actually adore her just b/c of who she is. I love her personality and we both agree, God or my mom sent her next door to me. She is a breath of fresh air and I can't believe it, but I knocked down my partial wall and now shes in and she is stuck with us Heinsohns! She gives so selflessly of her time and love. I mow her back lawn, big whoop, its with HER lawnmower, that I also use on my lawn. Hmmm sounds like more favors for ME. lol. Ashlee loves her fat black cocker spaniel named andy. that dog is the best. i want him!!
So that is all I have now. Ambien should have me sleepin soooooon. After todays day, tomorrow has to be better. flavored popcorn might be involved.
