Your granny said there would be days like these.....actually not too too bad, but awfully odd. Tomorrow will be 3rd day couped up like a breeder in a pup pin. Feelin bad for me yet? HA. But seriously, enough with the 'mommy mommy mommy'. To mix it up tonight, I dragged in a full size mattress for the girls to sleep on. I mean gah forbid they have an ounce of excitement, my little prisoners. Maybe tomorrow we brave the cold, end up at the mall and buy ourselves something to make us smile. haha. I can hear Gap calling our names. My dear boy could always use a new Gap something. like socks! I am little confused by all the babyish crap out there. Are there really people dressing their boys in tigger jumpers? TACKY. I'd rather wrap him up in an old pair of my panties than dress him like a pansie.
So unless you live under a rock, or not in Texas- we are on day 3 or so of frigid temps and icy roads and tomorrow is day 3 of no school. In other related news I'm almost completely caught up on laundry. I would have gotten out today but the bundling 3 kids thing turned me off PLUS scraping 3 in of ice off my windshield, I just said screw it and stayed home, where it is warm. Not sure I'm going to be ok laying dormant for another day. I might start showing signs of slight psychosis. It might be best to get OUTTA here. Oh spring and summer how I can't wait! Oh the sun and tan and waterpark......and NO maternity swimsuit, yaaay. I'm not sayin I'll be all hot or anything, but anything is better than a maternity swimsuit. Do you know how many people I bumped in to last year or went to waterpark with all waddling like fat albert?!! SO you can imagine my joy of not doing that ever again.
Ashlee is passed out on the mattress and when she sleeps I forget all about what a big stinker she is!! She looks like an ANGEL!! I could stare at any of these kids when they are sleeping............then they wake up...........and the halos start fading.
EXCEPT for Anderson's of course. Yes one thing he is NOT, is SPOILED by his mommy. Suck your thumb, pull my hair, cry when you see me, whimper when I set you down for 2 seconds, knaw on my hand for teething, suck on my finger for comfort, do whatever you want pumpkin pie.
However, here are your don'ts in life.
1. Be an a-hole by the age of 8
2. touch your penis in public (since the girls don't play with theirs, you don't either, I don't care if you are a BOY!)
3. play violin (I'm raising a man not a butterfly)
4. wear cowboy boots after the age of 8 (it is cute until it is roper like, we are Texan, not hicks, learn to tell the difference Anderson. I named you Anderson NOT Bobby Joe)
5. walk through a door first when you have two sisters and mother behind you. You better recognize and hold that door open for us. Ladies first son, don't ever forget this.....otherwise don't come crying to me when you marry a total biatch. You can get a real woman one day, but it is going to take being a gentleman.
6. get a degree in mental health. You are going to have a hard time providing with that kind of income. Leave the 'helping others' to the women, although I pray your sisters aim higher too.
7. make fun of girls with big arses. This is strictly personal for me. This big arse brought you in this life, so respect your roots.
8. do not be a d$%k in jr high, the kind that knock binders out of girls arms. I went to school w/ jerks like that and I hope they are in a loveless marriage, dead end job and raising crappy, ugly kids. (now, that being said you want some disgruntled schoolmate writing a blog about you in 20 years??)
9. no long hair. I'm sorry. Express yourself with clothing.........at the Gap NOT emo stores where they sell hoodies with bloody skulls on them. You are a reflection of me at all times, I will not have you scaring innocent people in the public. You got a problem with this? When you move out of my house, go wild, grow your hair out, dye it blue, get tattoos, piercing, and a tramp on your arm that shotguns beer faster than college frat boys-- at that point, you'll be an adult and there won't be much I can say or do, except make caddy comments, which I promise to do if you turn in to a hot mess.
10. don't make bad grades. News flash, your parents, your older sisters- ALL SMART. You have really good genes and you are welcome. If you waste your brain, I'll just die, and haunt you in your sleep. Hit the books, make good grades, and don't insult me by making crappy grades. If I could make good grades living in dumps with an absent mother and a dad across town, you can certainly make it in suburbia heaven. Your dad is a genius, you can do it too.
Things I will negotiate should it arise
1. being gay. Yes I want a daughter in law to love but a son in law might be just a fun as long as he is gorgeous, ripped and rich, AND loves to shop, AND enjoys taking his MIL shopping at the Galleria for really expensive shoes. If I'm going to have a gay son, make it worth my while, make me rich.
2. being in the armed services. I should be so proud that you would want to do that for this awesome nation, but I'm so selfish and I suck for being so selfish, I already know this. However, if it becomes YOUR dream, I won't pee all over it, I'll just need higher dosages of anti-anxiety meds, that's all. If you can live with a borderline comatose mother, then by all means, be all that you can be.
3. having no children. You have two sisters, we might have this whole grandchildren thing covered for me....but if they don't....it is on you. Oh, it is on you anyway to have a son and pass our name down. No pressure
4. moving out of Tarrant County. If it is just to Dallas County, ok, I'll chill out but if you think you are moving to Austin or Oklahoma, we better talk as you might be cut out of the will. I may not have crap right now b/c you kids suck us dry but someday we'll have crap and you don't want to be cut out of that awesome loot.
5. being an ice road trucker. Son, if money is tough, let's work a deal, you don't need to risk your life like a complete moron.
6. marrying an idiot. female or male- they better be able to carry a mature conversation, take a joke and be pretty on the eyes.
7. be president. I prefer you don't get made fun of on SNL or get death threats everyday. Aim high in life but does it have to be this high? They'll just dig and dig in your past and find these blogs and then I'll be famous. Like I said, these are negotiable items
The End
