Here are my darlings at the Arbor Daze in Euless on 4/25/09. It was beautiful weather (a little on the humid side) and it felt like we were kicking off the beginning of a very awesome Spring and Summer. I for one LOVE festivals. My work schedule sort of hinders when I can attend or IF I can attend them. The girls got to bounce, craft, eat and I got to shop. M had already made golfing plans so he was unable to go, bummer! But, I didn't need a shopping police anyhow.
I have been in rare form ... A good daydream is the best, it probably cures cancer.
I was driving, in my lovely SUV with Anna Nalick playing quietly in the cd player and I started thinking of all adjectives "F".
Candice in a nutshell, that begins w/ the letter "F"
Fragile
Fickle
Flighty
Flake
but.......
Fun
Free
Feeling
Focused
FORCE
You should try it, pick a letter. I can do it now. Let's do "H"
Heated
Heartful
Hiding
Hugging
Hot (jk)
Ok, that was hard, it was easier when it just came to me in the car, unplanned. That "H" one doesn't make sense. lol.
I know I should break this in to two blogs but forget it, if I don't keep typing, I won't finish the chronology of my life. I will forget where I left off. But I think I remember. My mother moved us back to Fort Worth. Everything was fine for a while and then she said Kristyn needed to stay at Dad's who lived down the street, still in our old house, only now he had a 'wife' and new baby (Lindsay). Kristyn went down there for a few months and I was kind of pissed. My mom was clean and sober. She was in school and I was the only one really fighting w/ her. I don't remember Kristyn very well during this time. She was kind of always just playing alone in her room and I was always ignoring her b/c I was 13. Well Kristyn moved back home (I know random clipping of this story, she moves out and moves back, poor girl) and we move out of the boyfriends house to a duplex around the corner, still seconds from Dad's. My mom was either in TCU nursing school or about to be in it. The three of us lived in a 3 room duplex. It was so odd. My mom had to walk through our room to use the restroom or go to the kitchen, but it was also vintage and kinda cool. We were super poor and my mother would sometimes give me food stamps to walk up to 7/11 on Berry St to buy myself a Dr. Pepper and Doritos. Good times. I got through 8th grade pretty smoothly. I attended McLean Middle School. I met a friend, Katy, that I still have now. I made good grades. I was in the stands at the games cheering, I went to slumber parties, but my mom was slipping again, in to alcohol. It was kind of like 'here we go again'. My sister by this time was almost invisible. I did my best to take care of her but I fought so much w/ my mother during this time that I was constantly running out the door. I could be seen running the streets of Berry St or Seminary w/ Katy a lot. We were both escaping. Towards the end of 8th grade, my mom got this FAB idea that she'd send my sister and I to her sister's in Idaho. We had been before on a number of occasions for visits. Yes by the age of 10 I had already seen God's beautiful country he had to offer. However, this time I was 14, I could not be bothered and plus, hello, I still have like 1.5 months left of school. WTF. I told her DON'T DO IT, YOU WILL REGRET IT. My dad who had joint custody over my Kristyn told her the same thing. Then he told me, that if she did it w/o his permission, he was taking her to court. I TOLD MY MOTHER THIS, AND MY GRANDMOTHER. You would think I was dealing w/ the severely mentally retarded. I mean, my dad was going for the throat if my mom sent Kristyn out of state, yank her out of elementary school and send her out of Texas. I mean, seriously WHAT THE Flip does someone have to be thinking to think that is a good idea?????? My mother said she needed a break and to work on her, etc.. I get it now, that she was mentally ILL but NOT retarded. She was on the verge of making the biggest mistake of her life. I did not want to go. I begged and begged (I'd been here before w/ the begging her not to send me off) I was a good girl! I wore ribbons in my hair and Gap jeans. I wasn't Gothic or morbid, I was a good girl who didn't deserve to sent away from my friends and family. Well, so, she did it, in her best mentally retarded state ever. I couldn't believe it. I must have walked around in shock up there in the mountains of idaho for weeks. I was placed in some jr high w/ breeds of kids so different. I was forced to go to youth group at church and be around wierd kids. It was hell. I'm sorry to say it so bluntly but it was. I didn't get along w/ my male cousin, not one bit. My mom sent me so that she could have respite, but then I end up getting literally beat up. My grandma was up there w/ us and I cried and begged for her to take us back to Texas. I must have cried every single night. I am saying this b/c I'm being honest, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt sick all the time and I wrote my mom letters almost daily begging to send for us. Kristyn was doing 'ok' b/c she was super young. And, the great kicker, Dad took mom to court, and dragged her through a horrible custody battle and all I could do was NOTHING. I warned her. I knew he was not kidding. Who jokes about that? I knew what they were both capable of and I wasn't shocked. I was pissed at both of them, for making a mess of MY life, and setting Kristyn up for pure failure. I felt strong enough at times that I thought, 'good god just get me to 18 so I can get the freak out of town'. While in Idaho I did write my dad and beg him not to go through w/ it, that maybe mom would send for us now and everything would be fine. I wrote the judge, telling him that despite my moms troubles, she was a good mom, and she was, I wasn't lying, she just needed help. Her and my dad should have been able to work together for the good of Kristyn and I but it just never happened. My pleas were ignored. I was still very angry w/ mom for causing all this, and everyone who was behind her who thought it was a good idea to take us out of school and send us clear across America. BRILLIANT! So, my dad won custody. He won b/c he came up w/ the better attorney, in a city where people knew people and money helped. He won b/c he wanted to hurt my mother b/c he was pissed. I am not sure he ever really wanted custody of Kristyn. My mother lost the custody battle b/c there was a paper trail on her 3000 miles long that proved she was unfit. In July, after 3 months in Idaho, a court ordered Kristyn be on a plane, she was to get I think two weeks w/ mom (maybe two days, i can't remember) and then be on my dad's doorstep for SOLE custody. My mom would get visitation. I was left in Idaho and saying good bye to my sister is one of the most soul killing things I ever had to do. My heart must have shattered in to a million unoperable pieces. Kristyn was my everything. I could not depend on our parents, but I had her. I had always had her, and then she was gone. I wanted to go home too, to be with mom and Kristyn. I am crying just thinking about how horrible this all was. Everyone said it wasn't the time to do so and to just let mom have her time alone w/ Kristyn. But why? It had always been the 3 of us and then at least mom would still have me by her side. I could dry her tears on the day she had to deliver Kristyn to Dad's. I am not sure I have ever reclaimed or fully worked through that time in my life. I wanted to die. I just didn't understand ANY purpose to life. And going to that cooky church was NOT helping. I was isolated and all I could think about was getting back to Texas or running away or dying. Just kill me. Just take me now, this is the dumbest life ever. These were my thoughts.
Finally a month later, I got to come home. It was August and I was going to get to start high school w/ my friends. My mom and I lived around the block from Kristyn and Dad. I don't remember seeing Dad much but we did get our visits w/ Kristyn. However, between the time of the court battle and me coming home, my mother had started doing street drugs, cocaine. If she had done them in my life before, I didn't know, b/c that was not her drug of choice. She was in TCU nursing program by now but the habit got worse and worse. She eventually dropped out of college and quit taking care of me. Everything happened very fast, within my first semester of high school. I was still 14. Yep, rough year. she would leave me alone, sometimes for more than one day. She wouldn't keep food in the house and there were bugs in my room, crawling on my covers at night and NO heat in my room. Once I tried to light the gas oven to cook something and I nearly blew up the house. I started finding things like empty drug bags. She'd have people over and lock me out of the room that had the only bathroom. I would sometimes resort to peeing outside or at a neighbors. Keep in mind, my dad lived around the block and I'm barely surviving here. I didn't want to complain to anyone for fear I'd be sent away. My mom even threatened me that if I complained to anyone at school that social services would take me away. I begged her to get off the drugs. She was messed up all the time. On that Christmas Eve, dad dropped Kristyn off, mom was not home. I tucked Kristyn in next to me on my daybed and held her close to keep her warm. It was cold in the house and what gas heat there was, I was unable to light for fear of killing us. I laid there wide awake wondering where my mom was. I had no idea. not a clue. I had no numbers I could call to see if she was anywhere. At 2 a.m I found myself in my moms room staring out the window, jumping at the sound of every car, studying every set of headlights. I kept saying "please mom, you have to come home, we can't let Kristyn wake up to no Christmas" Finally at around 3am, I called my grandma who came over. My mom showed up around 6 a.m She was in a terrible state. My grandma brought gifts and Kristyn got to wake up to a little Christmas. I was still dying inside. I sat there glaring at my mother, looking at her like she was beneath me, because she was, and I was so freakin over it. I wanted a one way ticket to Hell for all I cared, because I was convinced Hell would be nicer. I was never actually "suicidal". I never had a plan or anything. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I didn't care what a death like that would do to my mom. I was over it. I could see the track marks on her arms, the bruises on her body. She had never looked worse. Never. I figured at this point maybe my grandma would just take me but nope, on New Years Eve, I was put on a plane to my mom's other sister's house in Ohio. I wasn't quite as pissed about this but I was also in trauma, in crisis, and almost unable to think, care, love anymore. However, after a couple of months, I got really homesick. I missed Kristyn. If mom wanted to kill herself on drugs, fine, I was making peace w/ that, but why be separated from all of my Texas family. So to make a long story short, my dad's family took my plea and my Aunt Karen, Uncle Allen, Amy and Jessica adopted me. I was 15 and able to legally choose, plus I think my mom's family was sick of fighting w/ me. Things might not have been so bitter if they were in Texas. However, I just kept getting shipped off. My life knew no security. I was sure of nothing, except that life is painful and meant to be endured, not lived. During my 5.5 months in Ohio my mother slipped further. She lost the rent house, all of her belongings (and mine) and was doing god knows what w/ god knows who. She was dying and I knew it. I had finally been hurt enough to make peace w/ it. I kept waiting for my grandma to call and say, 'well they found your mom down by the trinity river w/ gun shot in her head' or 'well your mom died at the county hospital from an overdose' I was ready.
I got on a plane in May, school in Ohio had just ended, 9th grade was over. I got off the plane in DFW and ran crying in to the arms of my new family. Well they weren't 'new' but they had adopted me and now I was becoming their daughter. I was so excited to start a new life. I really couldn't wait. I knew they'd let me see Kristyn whenever b/c it was the same family. I was back in Texas and safe. They had to show me the paperwork to prove to me that it was real and that no one could ever send me out of state or to a psych institution again. They gave me my own room and selflessly put their office in their formal dining room. They gave me furniture, bought me a new bedspread, new clothes, and that 1st Christmas with them felt like Disney World. I knew, finally that I was not supposed to die in my sleep as a teenager. Inch by inch they were showing me a piece of the world that I had never seen.
Strange fact- the day I got back to Texas and in my new home, my mom called. She said she couldn't come see me b/c she was going to Arkansas to rehab for several months. I was glad but did not have high hopes. I knew I didn't want to be w/ her. I wanted a relationship IF she could get well but that was the only way. She did and while I was getting a new life on a silver platter, we started visitation when she came back from rehab. We had been pen pals the whole time she was in there. She did get well. She never got that bad again.
So much goodness to share about my new life in Arlington, but this chapter has to end. I am emotionally spent and now you know why I was dreading writing about that time frame.
No AWWW Candice! Look how strong it all made me. I am actually super thankful to my parents for that rollercoaster. I have issues, but I made it out of that crap in one piece.
