So above, a pic of the queen when she was just a baby. :) Yes, me, w/ my PUMPKIN head. I love old pics of me. Helps to remind me I was someone's beautiful daughter too. I love old pics in general. I can look at photo albums at peoples houses for hours.
It is a rainy day. Hmmmm gym? Well no store today! I've learned my lesson that on a sunny day a groc store trip can kick my butt. I'm certainly not dealing w/ wet carts and slick floors if I don't have to. I do need milk though. The girls got slimfast for breakfast since we are out! I know! Bad Momma!
Over the weekend, we celebrated Valentines as a fam since the girls will be w/ their grandparents in Dallas next weekend. So, we made a little craft, cupcakes, pics to come!! We had a great time. We had my nephew Logan on Sat. night so he got to join in the festivities. We ended our "vday party" w/ reading all about Valentine book. On Sun. morning I gave them their "gifts"-- not much, just a heart shaped box w/ panties, socks, stickers....
We have a lot coming up. Next weekend I work my reg. 7-3 on Sat., go home for 8 hours, then go back at 11pm and work until 3 the next day. LOL. Yes, I'm packing my sleeping bag! This is why the girls are going to Dallas!! I'll do another crazy weekend like this in March. I don't mind from time to time b/c I know others pick up my shifts when I need off! But still yes, it will a loco weekend! But $$$.
My dad is coming in next week on wed. and then B has another cheer competition. I'm so excited. I'm keepsake mom this time! I get to put together a keepsake for all the cheerleaders on her team. Do I sound incredibly 'stage mom' well as I've said get used to it. I used to daydream about my life w/ children. While I never factored in their tantrums, the getting sick at times......I definitely made room for all the cool things I'd get to do as a Mommy. Maybe they are just things I wish my own mother would have been well enough to do for me, for my sis. I have figured out that her love was not measurable for us but that her ability to 'mother' like a full blown pta mom was not an option. She did try. She was crafty and caring, but at the end of the day, just too ill to follow through and be the kind of mom us little girls dream about being one day. I do believe I am living that dream. The above pic of me shows me in my mother's trailer, I'm sure she took the picture. I'm sure she thought I was the cutest baby in the trailer park just like I think my kids are the cutest in Suburbia. She had no idea she'd only get to mother me for 19 years and some of those years only partially. She had no idea what grat things I'd go on to do and be. I wondered if all she hoped for, for me, was to marry a nice man, get a secure job at Safeway or Chillis, and own my very own trailer. If so, I'd like to think I have pleasantly surprised her! She wanted me to to go college and I listened, once she was gone, once it was too late to say 'I got my act together, your fat lil pumpkin baby is off to college' I guess that is why my Granny Ruth has been so instrumental and why her visits can conjure up emotion. She IS my mother, she carried my mom, she has all the mom stories and likewise, for her, I am my mother, who came from HER womb, without the two of us, there is no middle, my mother, whose existence is sometimes overlooked b/c she has been gone for so long. There is a hole in my heart. That goes w/o saying. It may be why I am a little left of center. It may be why I sometimes struggle w/ anxiety or weight or situational depression. It may also be why I aim high. It may be why I'd rather have less money and be at home all day with my girls but sacrifice time w/ Michael on the weekends to go to work. There are a million little pieces of me that have been altered since her death. It makes me sick and proud all at once.
I'm excited to be turning 31 on March 4. Although, it scares me too, 9 years shy of the age my mom was at her death. I want to be 31 and 41 and so on. I want to continue to build upon the layers of a hurt 19 year old, still missing her mom.
I've derailed and this is what coffee and rainy days do!
Happy Monday!
