Somewhere in Candyland is a Queen looking for her missing nuts and bolts. I'm not sure where to begin placing blame on my absent mindedness. More than once a day, I start digging through my purse and forget why I'm digging. Is it possible I'm getting Alzheimer's in my 20s? Well, I am almost 3-0! I walk from the bedroom to the kitchen and stand there dumbfounded, dazed, confused. "Why am I here?". Its not a profound, soul searching question, I don't want to know why I'm on earth, just standing in the kitchen. Certainly, I came in here for something, but in the 20 feet it took to get here, I forgot. Is it possible my husband and children have zapped me of my sanity so badly that I forget how use toilet paper, forget to drop off dry cleaning the 7 times I pass the facility, forget to buy bread the 10 times I go to the store for other items, and of course my favorite- digging vigorously through a box of papers and other assorted crap and forget why I'm doing it. Chances are I'll remember it when I'm changing a crappy diaper and there won't be anything I can do about the sudden memory show. I'll be knee deep in baby feces and totally s-o-l, unable to go back to that box and get that Target receipt to take back the wrong size panties (I also forget that I'm not a size 4, never have been and never will be, remember 'baby got back')
Yesterday was no exception to my looniness. I'll try to speed this up- great day, great lunch on a terrace at a good mex food place near Ikea, then off to Ikea for a children's table for the girls. We had not been to this one. Ironically, I have only been to the L.A Ikea and now Houston's, but never once Dallas's. I even have stuff from the San Francisco one thx to Dad and Kristyn. Anyway, we get in there and its a MADHOUSE- but I am optimistic, as usual. Michael might beg to differ, but this is my perspective and I'm going to sugar coat it. It is totally confusing and we find a cart and realize we have to travel on an elevator with the cart. I'm like a 90 year old, lost and confused old lady, "what??? we have to put our cart ON the elevator? why?? This is the only way to use a cart up there?? who designed this crappy idea?" Then I blurt out, "Why does it smell like cat pee in this place??" and as if this oriental lady was placed there by candid camera, she goes, "I think its the food". Ok, am I that loud? How many other people heard me say that? I was surprised I got an answer, it sort of shut me up. Note to self: stop saying inappropriate things and inappropriate times.
Once we figure out the cattle call, we do fine, the girls are freakishly patient, I begin checking for fevers, Michael says very little, I know he wasn't enjoying himself and I could see him tear up out of anxiety in the madhouse, but still he remains sweet and calm. Maybe there is a special place for husbands at Ikea that I don't know about where they get to put on laughing gas masks for a few minutes so they can make it through another 20 minutes with their indecisive wives. "oh, what about this honey, don't you think it would look good on the table?"
"Sure dear, it matches perfectly"
Okay, who stole my husband and turned him in to queer eye for the straight guy?
Then we pay, we go outside and here is where things go bad.
I put my keys in the cup holder inside the car as I fasten in Ashlee. I already know I'm standing on the world's largest, widest, scariest drains. I specifically take the keys out of my pocket so they do NOT fall out. But guess what? My elbow hits them out of the cup holder and I watch them fall in the drain and travel at least 12 feet under ground. I scream "NOOOOOOOOOOO" so loud but Michael doesn't hear me. He and B were waiting for me to drive around and get them and the stuff. I start screaming at him, I can see him, but he can't hear me. "MICHAEL, MY KEYS FELL IN THE DRAIN THING IN THE ROAD!" I said it 3x before he heard me, he looked very annoyed, like maybe I was going to get a spanking or have my father called or something. Thankfully, he always has his set with him. I am tearing up in anger with myself. We all get in the car and Michael says, "seriously Candice, do you have a screw loose?" and before I have a chance to answer, he says, "because I think you do". Part of me wonders if he is calling a rehab when we get home but luckily there is no place for idiots to go, I just have to work on hiding it better. Before we are home though, he sees that I am visibly not happy with myself, he reaches over and grabs my arm and says "who cares, they are just keys, big deal".
I ended the day once the girls were in bed, roasting marshmallows over the gas stove. Michael stares in disgust.
Me, "what? you want one?"
Him, "um no, thats gross, I can't believe you are doing that"
Me, "I do this all the time to get a sweet fix"
Him, as he exits the kitchen almost barfing, "I seriously do think you have a screw loose".
Me, alone in kitchen eating my hot, flaming desert over the kitchen sink laughs so hard I almost lose my balance, and silently thinks, 'whatever dude, I know I'm awesome'!!!!!
New Project
12 years ago
