I'm Human Go Away

I keep thinking how counter productive this is, the writing, the thinking, the avoidance of people, chores, and obligations.
Oh well, who cares.
I don't know why I write, why I'm inclined to communicate with myself this way. However, I think it started with a diary for my birthday when I was 8. I would document my parents fights in it, and quote them. I would quote my mother on the phone talking about it the next day. I was kind of strange (still am).
Yesterday, was a rough day, but no one really sees this. Well, that is impossible, you have to be here to see it, OR, I have to be brave enough to call someone and vent, cry, etc..
Instead, I pick a fight with my husband the minute he comes through the door, throw dinner at him, almost literally, and avoid conversation for 2 hours. I break down in the shower, almost unable to stand. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with "is this it" type thoughts. I get to retire and die in Houston?? My daughters are going to grow up and get married and send me cards in the mail for my birthday. The thought almost makes me yank my IUD out of my uterus and try to get pregnant, and have 4 more babies. At that rate, I would be too old to care when the last one was leaving me to marry or chase a dream. But, the steam in the shower was to blame, as I came to, dried my eyes and realized I'm probably just being dramatic. (I know, shocker)
I finally talked to my husb about my feelings and explained, "I'm allowed to have rough days- just let me have these days". I AM a happy person. Ask Brookelyn how often we do the hokey pokey at home? A sad person could not do that, no way, I was related to a terminally sad person, and she only had moments of being able to be silly.
As a stay at home mother (SAHM)- remember this acronym, I use it often, I am guilt ridden when I have the debbie downer thoughts. How dare I waste my opportunity, even for a brief moment. But god forbid I be human. That is my excuse for everything...."I'm human". Or even better when someone is sharing with you their thoughts on your human-ness-- I just want to say "ugh, I'm human, go away".
There are a lot of savers out there. I don't need to be saved. I just need lunch with friends, it is not about the food, it is about the experience, it is about friendship. I have received so much love from my friends, so to walk out my door in god forsaken houston and know that none of them are here, is heart wrenching.
I love Michael, I am his cheerleader (not the slutty kind), just the upbeat, cheer him on kind. I'm proud of him and watching him succeed is not that big of a sacrifice on my part. I'm sorry I can't tell him when I'm too proud to stop being a baby, and start listening to him.

I'm afraid I cannot write much more. The View is on and I can't stand these gripey witches. What a dumb premise for a show- get a bunch of petty women together to complain about EVERYTHING. My brain cells start leaving through my ears, nose, any way they can go, they leave when that show is on, never to be seen again. Thanks Barbara.