The Joel Osteen Experience

Okay, before you go calling me a hypocrite, hear me out... I love this guy! Also, I never said I was anything but a found soul. It is savers and naysayers that think they have me all figured out. I'm not broken for open minded. I'm not sinning when I refuse to say a gay person is going to hell. I'm certainly not buying into any of the ignorance that has so often been handed to me. I have a belief system. I am a spiritual being. Now you can read.......

Last Sunday was me and the girls second time to go to Lakewood where Joel Osteen is the pastor, and this time Michael came too. You have to first hear how smooth the first time went. I got the girls ready, got a good parking spot, got them into their classes, and strolled into the arena with no problem at all finding a seat. It was a blissful experience, no sweat. I just thought "Joel, if only I could stick you in my little pocket and have you handy at all times!" He is so uplifting to listen to.
However, last Sunday, well, it was a test...to see just how bad we really wanted to go there again, or go anywhere for that matter. I single-handedly got the girls and myself ready in record timing. We waited on Michael as he trotted around looking for things like shoes, wallet, etc.. it is like having a teenage son.
We get to the madhouse, park in Egypt, walk 18 rounds of parking garage, get to the kid area where I leave Michael to sign in Brookelyn, you know, the 4 year old that could probably sign herself in.
"Michael, sign in Brookelyn, they may ask for a phone number or whatever, but shes in the computer, so don't even worry"
Then I book it to the One year old area, stand in line, and see Michael and B walking towards me. Of course, I silently think wtf, even though I am ashamed of thinking that in a church. So I quickly say, "whats the matter, is it full or something, did she not want to go?"
Michael says, "Well I don't know how to sign her in, you left in a hurry and I didn't hear you and I don't know our phone number, I never call it"
Candice says, "Are you joking?"
Michael, "No, I really never call that number"
Candice, "not that moron, that you can't sign her in, just go do it, shes in the computer, you DO know her name don't you?"
He leaves.
Thank God, I'm in no mood for this crap. We're in the middle of a damn zoo and I'm trying to have a religious experience. I get Ashlee signed in, in less time than it took for Michael to use a urinal and zip up.
I book it back to the 4 year old area, where I cannot believe my eyes, the two of them are walking away from. Again, WHAT the freak is going on!
He claims the line wasn't moving and he heard they were checking them in at another area. He claims the line never moved during the whole time I was gone checking in Ashlee. I say, "Really, because these are not the same people who were standing here when I dropped you two off". He shrugs, as if to say, who cares what you think you saw Candice.
Well, just like that, seconds later, what do you know, its our turn, I spell our last name, they print our her name tag, and tell us, "around the corner to your left".
This was painfully vague.
We looked in every room and the man just kept following us and saying "around the corner to your left".
I said, "that is where we are, what room letter is it? Letter U? That is what is says on her name tag."
This is too much for the man to process. He can't possibly be specific. So maybe he means, we keep going and take all of the lefts we find and when we reach a dead end, there will be another person there to take my kid.
No, he waives us back, "its in here, around the corner to the left".
Okay, now hes just getting smart with me.
I said, "Oh, so room letter J, I wish I would have known it was J".
So we begin to escort Brookelyn in and she gets all teary and says she doesn't want to go. She clings to her daddy's leg and insists on coming with us. This is strange b/c she was pumped up and excited about going, talked about it the whole morning. This made no sense and the clock was ticking. I tried to introduce her to other kids and she wasn't having it. Fine, who cares, bring her w/ us to the arena.
So we go trucking out towards the restroom, b/c I've had half a liter of water in 35 minutes and I've been doing the pee pee dance for the past 10. I leave the two of them in my dust b/c Michael walks slow but the two of them together is just not right. Let the stampede mull them over and maybe they will rethink that whole walking slow thing next time.
Then we get into the arena, music already blaring and we are so late that we end up in the highest level where the seats are exactly on top of one another. Fine, whatever, who cares, I've been optimistic this far, a little more walking isn't going to kill me, I wore flats. We sit down, collapse really, and I'm sweating. I'm digging for my water and a rag to blot my face. I'm sure I looked like Tammy Faye after shes had one of her crying fits. I hadn't been crying, just sweating like a prized hog.
Two minutes later, Joel gets up to do a prayer, a lengthy, motivating one. Brookelyn looks up and says, "HEY MOMMY! THATS WHAT YOU WATCH ON TV".
"shh shh honey, lets be really quiet"
Right then, after FIVE minutes in our nosebleed seats, Ashlee's number gets flashed on the screen. CRAP! That means we three had to trample over people, during a prayer, and get down two floors to the kids area and figure out why they needed us in Ashlee's room. I arrive and see she is having a fit. She is in a crib, all alone, crying her heart out. They claim they tried to console her. Why would she do so fine last time I came? Why didn't Brookelyn want to go to her class this time? I grab the baby and her bag and said, "lets go back". Michael said he could stay out in waiting areas w/ the baby. I said "no way, she'll be fine".
As we approach the elevators, I said, "This morning is cursed"
Michael laughed and said, "no, its blessed!"
Quite the comic.
We get back up to the tippy top of the arena, sweat dripping from all our noses, hear one song and then Joel starts his sermon.
It was good one, about internal appreciation and validation, about the good self talk etc.. He was hilarious too.
I tried to see about getting my book signed (its an older book for moms) but the line was too long and I said I'd come back without the three of them.
By the time we had lunch, got home, I was so completely tired. I had no energy and spent the afternoon watching t/v alone in my bedroom w/ the lights out. It was so peaceful as Michael took care of the girls for me.

I will go again, the chaos won't stop me. He is that great of a speaker! When in Houston, it is an experience to be had, please come with us!